The Secret Lives of Teenagers: Why They Keep Things Hidden

October 30, 2024 - As much as parents, therapists, and grandparents want to be in the loop about what’s going on in the lives of teenagers, the truth is that adolescents often live secret lives. This isn’t a new phenomenon—think about Romeo and Juliet, those star-crossed lovers who kept their relationship under wraps. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well, but it shows that the struggle to navigate hidden emotions and experiences is as old as time.

In literature and film, there are countless stories that highlight the secret lives of teens. From the heart-wrenching tale in My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga to the iconic mischief of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, these narratives remind us that keeping secrets is part of growing up.

What exactly is a secret?

A secret is information that is held close and shared with no one or only a select few. Bear with me as I indulge in one of my favorite tropes—the roots of words which leads us to some of the nuanced meanings that reveal deeper truths. Amy Clare Tasker writes:

“The word has been around in English since the mid to late 14th century – it’s secrette in Middle English, from the old French secret, which they borrowed from the Latin secretus, meaning “hidden.” The Latin can be broken down further by noting that secretus is the past participle of the verb sēcernere, “to separate” or “to set aside.” The Latin and French word displaced “native” Middle English words like diegol, doerne, roune, and hidel, which meant things like “dark” “hidden” and “secret counsel.”  So the idea of keeping secrets is an ancient one that has been around in many forms for millennia. . . . The basis of the idea of a secret has to do with setting something apart in order to hide it.”

So why do teenagers feel the need to set something apart in order to hide it?

Last week, my 17-year-old grandson reached out to me late one night from the opposite coast. I could hear the fatigue in his voice. He sounded heart weary, things were going on with his friends, and he didn’t want to talk about it.  He just needed to hear someone’s voice who loved him. He didn’t want to tell me what happened, just that they weren’t being good friends. As much as I wanted to know so I could help him,  those events were his to navigate, his to share or not. I didn’t need to know and I didn’t need to know why he didn’t want to tell me. I worry for him, but I also have to trust that he’s going to figure this out. I didn’t pry. We talked about horror movies instead, teased each other, and ended up laughing.

Sometimes, it’s just about having someone to listen, without judgment or pressure to share more.

As a therapist, I often hear secrets from my adolescent clients. Yet, even with a strong rapport, they may not share everything. Parents sometimes come to me with concerns about finding things like liquor bottles or signs of self-harm, which their kids haven’t felt ready to disclose. It’s a complicated dance, one that often leaves everyone involved feeling a mix of worry and frustration. Between parents, therapist, and friends is a somewhat complete picture of the adolescent. Yet, like all of us, there are secret places within the heart, soul, and mind of the teenager that can’t be known to us, no matter how much we care about them. Sometimes, these secrets are unknown even to the teen themself.

Adolescents are master secret keepers. Sometimes, they want to spare their loved ones from pain or worry. In these cases, they know that the adults who care about them are going to try to save them. Young people often experience that their secrets are sometimes too much for the adults. It’s too much of a burden for the kid who’s just trying to figure it out for themselves. The burden of adult emotions can be overwhelming for a teenager who’s already grappling with their own struggles. They have little bandwidth to hold their parents’ or mentors’ emotions. Other times, they just need space to process their feelings. 

Teens will keep secrets to avoid shame, guilt, and disapproval from the adults in their lives. If the young person in your life is engaging in behaviors that they know you wouldn’t be okay with, they’re going to hide it from you. Maybe even lie to you. 

Holding secrets can be about holding control. Teenagers are doing the big work of becoming independent and stretching for more autonomy in their lives. Control of information is one way to do this. By keeping certain aspects of their lives hidden, they assert their autonomy, carving out a space that’s just for them. Those who hold a common secret form a small select community. While this can become a movie about mean girls or I Know What You Did Last Summer, it can create an important and precious bond for kids. 

One important takeaway is that no one person can fully know the entirety of an adolescent's life. They share things piecemeal, letting us in on what they choose while keeping other parts hidden. As much as we might want to be their go-to for everything, it’s crucial we respect their boundaries and understand that it’s okay not to have all the answers.

Ultimately, the secret lives of teens are a natural part of growing up. It’s a process of figuring things out on their own terms, and while it can be scary for adults, it’s also an essential part of their journey toward independence. So, let’s be there to listen and support them, even if we don’t know all the details. We can ask questions with compassionate curiosity and give them the freedom to answer or not. We continue to be there, steady, consistent, and open. When they share their heart secrets and dark secrets, we honor the confidentiality between us.*

*NOTE: Of course, for mandated reporters, we must navigate some of these secrets intentionally, ethically, and professionally.

Photo by: Sergii Mostovyi