When They Lie (Part 1)
Teenagers lie. In fact, they lie frequently. Research suggests that we tell more lies during adolescence than at any other time in life. Studies show that many of us lie about once a day, and we lie most often to our family and friends rather than strangers. These numbers don’t include how often we self-deceive. We lie, and adolescents as a group lie the most.
Whether it’s normal or not, nothing can cause a rupture between teenagers and adults quite like a lie. As a therapist, I am a secret-holder, and I know how often teenagers lie to the adults in their lives, including me. Teenagers will lie outright and by omission. Some will show remorse and others not at all. They will admit to the lie, and other times they won’t own up. Some kids will lie and not even realize they’re doing so.
Why do they lie? We’ll look at this from an Internal Family Systems perspective in this posting and then from a neuro-developmental lens and a mythic frame in the next posting.
Parts
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of the psyche is invaluable when dealing with kids who lie. We can make sense of the lying, and, almost more importantly, we can make sense of our reaction to being deceived. In our outrage, our focus is almost always fully on the child. Parents especially fall into this pattern as they feel the weight of making sure their kids act with integrity. To help our teenagers learn the art of effective communication when it is appropriate and necessary to lie actively or by omission [more about this in the next blog post], we need to know what gets activated in us.
In IFS, we have a powerful map to understand behavior. There are exiled parts of us that carry the burdens laid on us in childhood, when we’ve been shamed or traumatized. We have other parts that work to protect us by attempting to prevent us from being re-traumatized, feeling shamed again, and then being flooded by the exile’s burdened energy. Some protector parts do the job of lying.
There are no bad parts, and every part has a positive intention to try and make our lives work. However, the impact of these protector parts can be negative, including the protector parts in our teenagers that engage in the behavior that we call lying.
The parts that lie
A wider perspective of any situation is a sign that we are accessing Self energy, a state of being when we have some measure of calm, curiosity, and maybe compassion. With this larger and connected perspective, we understand troublesome behaviors not as pathology but as parts working within “sensitive internal and external ecologies, of systems nested within systems, and power dynamics at every level,” described by David Kitchings in a recent training on IFS with Children and Adolescents.
IFS therapists who responded to my recent informal inquiry identified these reasons for their teen clients who lie:
to protect relationships by avoiding potential ruptures;
to reassure themselves that there’s nothing wrong with them;
to avoid punishment of an infraction (denial);
to create and maintain a positive self-image while underneath there is an exile holding feelings of unworthiness;
to protect from further shame, humiliation, and embarrassment;
to counteract or prevent invalidation from parents and other adults;
to create alternative realities when the current reality is unbearable or untenable;
to cover their tracks and avoid consequences for risk-taking behavior.
In my work with teens, I’ve found all of the above to be true, and also because:
they don’t know how to get out of tricky or unpleasant situations – they’re put on the spot;
they dissociate when flooded with fear or shame and lie without awareness;
they know they’ve transgressed, but they also know that in that moment the transgression was the only answer they had available to them. Sometimes it’s the lesser of two evils;
telling a lie in the moment is less complicated than telling the truth;
they are emotionally protecting their parents or caregivers.
In short, once we begin the compassionately curious exploration, there is always a valid reason for this behavior we call lying. Notice how I phrase this. The word holds such negative connotations, and more often than not, we will pathologize this behavior in our teenagers. The connotations of the word can cause us to overlook the reason for the behavior itself. Especially if it’s chronic and compulsive.
Chronic, compulsive lying
At the root of these parts that chronically lie is childhood relational complex trauma. In other words, the child has had multiple experiences of relational trauma that may include any or all of the following: emotional and/or physical neglect; emotional, physical, verbal, and/or sexual abuse; traumatic invalidation; exposure to domestic violence; subjected to war and military conflict; systemic abuse from authority figures; racist, transphobic and homophobic abuses; significant, sudden, and/or traumatic losses. A child who has suffered such traumas and has not been compassionately met and adequately attuned to during these events will develop myriad systems within them to bear the unbearable. In traditional behavioral health, we call these systems “disorders.” In IFS, we call them burdened parts. They make sense and point to where the healing is needed.
Chronic lying is a sure symptom of complex PTSD. Because there is a loss of trust in the world and the people in it, they will lie to take back power and control. Trauma can cause memory gaps, so they lie to fill the gaps. They will dissociate and then lie to cover the dissociative event or lie while dissociated. They lie to protect themselves from something worse than the punishment that comes from lying. Their sense of reality has been skewed. As victims of gaslighting, chaotic environments, deception on the part of their caregivers, and sometimes horrific abuse, children will create the worlds they need to survive.
“But,” you say, “they’re safe now! That was in the past. They don’t need to lie anymore. So why do they keep lying?”
From an IFS perspective, protector parts continue to do the work of protecting the traumatized system until the exiled parts that carry the burdens can release the old beliefs—worthlessness, shame, abandonment, rejection, brokenness, and so on. Trauma lives in a person’s psyche as a timeless event until healing happens. The outer circumstances may have changed, but in the deep interiority of the psyche, things remain the same. If a child continues to be exposed to the initial triggers, then the behavior will continue.
The parts activated in adults
This is why it’s so important for the adults to do their work—our kids need us!
Understandably, I have heard the following from adults who have been on the receiving end of teenagers’ deceptions:
I’m being manipulated.
They’re going to grow up without any integrity.
I don’t deserve to be lied to.
They know better than to lie to me; there’s nothing I hate worse than dishonesty.
They have no reason to lie!
I can’t trust them anymore.
These too are parts! Every one of these feelings, beliefs, fears, and anxieties are valid—and they’re parts carrying particular experiences, beliefs, and expectations. When the adult works with these parts, brings Self energy into their own system so the fears and anxieties are alleviated, they can access a larger perspective and get curious about what the child is trying to achieve by engaging in the transgressive behavior. Then we are true disciplinarians, that is, true teachers, guides, and companions for our adolescents.
To be continued
In the next posting, we’ll explore the neuroscience of lying and look at deception from an archetypal and evolutionary lens. I’ll also include some concrete interventions when faced with a teenager who lies to you.
Photo by: Cavan for Adobe