Scaffolding Our Teens Is an Act of Love
October 16, 2024 - In the video a little girl falls hard while learning to skateboard on a full pipe. Stunned and scared, she’s scooped up by her dad and held tight. He checks to be sure she’s okay, and then she goes to the top of the ramp, poised to do the run again.
“I’m scared I’m going to fall again,” she says. Dad sprinkles in a bit of dad-wisdom, “Sometimes it’s scary doing hard things” and gives her full permission to choose not to do it.
But she wants to.
Dad assures her that he’ll be right there the whole time. “Will you catch me?” she asks.
“Yes, I’ll catch you.”
So she tips the skateboard into the pipe and takes off. Dad reaches out, places his hands on her waist, and guides her the rest of the way up and back. He continues to encourage and guide her, again and again. Until she completes the entire move without aid. They both are elated, do their father-daughter congratulatory handshake, and he says, “You did that even after falling and being scared. I’m stoked for you!”
This beautiful moment encapsulates the essence of scaffolding. Scaffolding our kids is love. It’s validation. It creates safety and secure attachment. It is both protection and preparation. Scaffolding is attunement and respectful. Throughout the video we see Dad respecting his daughter when she needs him and when she doesn’t need him. He’s okay with all of it.
Scaffolding teenagers
Scaffolding younger children is easier for most of us, given how vulnerable they are. But it’s not always so clear how to effectively scaffold teens. They need independence and also to be seen as capable. Their needs change almost daily. They are out in the world out of our reach a great deal of the time. They hold secrets. Their failures and mistakes may have dire and long-lasting consequences. Scaffolding for our adolescents is crucial to their development.
Scaffolding is:
a responsive, adaptive strategy for supporting our kids. How we scaffold is dependent on the maturity and the developmental stage of the adolescent. Other factors such as neurodivergence, the current situation, or the level of skill needed to navigate a task should all be taken into consideration. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this.
a timely and intentional balance of letting go and holding on. We move between protection and preparation for adult responsibility and accountability. Taking the variables listed above, how close we lean in or pull back and our level of oversight may have everything to do with the value of the lessons learned and the severity of the consequences should the child fail. I’m a firm believer in letting kids fail tests and even classes in the scaffolding of academics to get them to that place where they are invested in their education. However, this would not be the case where driving is concerned, where a mistake can cost a life.
brave space where kids are situated at the growing edges while still feeling secure as they learn to navigate risks and challenges. They need to know that while they are capable of handling challenges, they are not alone in facing them.
an opportunity for the adolescent to learn emotion regulation, stress tolerance, and how to delay gratification—the markers of someone who is ready for adult responsibilities.
Tips for scaffolding teenagers:
Stay curious and welcome open dialogue: Ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings. Ask them what you can be doing better. Do they need more support or less? This builds the trust and communication that are an essential part of scaffolding.
Recognize When to Step Back or Lean In: Pay attention to your teen’s cues. When they’re ready to take on more responsibility, allow them to do so. If they “fall down on the job,” explore with them what happened. See this as a learning curve rather than being irresponsible or failing. When they’re feeling overwhelmed, be prepared to step in and provide support.
Be Observant and Adaptable: Each teen is unique, and their needs can change rapidly, even day to day. Stay attuned to their emotional and developmental stages, adjusting your support accordingly. What is appropriate scaffolding at age 11 is not at age 14, 16, or 18 years. Support needed during summer vacation is not what’s needed when midterm exams come along or college applications, for example.
Manage Our Rescuer Parts: It’s natural to want to save our kids—from pain, making mistakes, failure, embarrassment, and any number of unpleasant experiences. This does not benefit them. It is our job to sit with our discomfort and fear for our teenagers and then assess what the child needs to sit with their discomfort.
Validate Their Efforts: Celebrate both their successes and efforts, regardless of the outcome. Highlight what works. Give positive reinforcement. Give second chances and even third chances if appropriate.
Scaffolding is love and deep regard
In considering this strategy of ushering teenagers through adolescence, it is useful to think of the literal use of scaffolding used while building or renovating buildings. Scaffolding is used to give the builders safe and stable platforms to do the work of building. There is a relationship between the building and the builders via the scaffolding. It is temporary and meant to be in place until the building and builders are ready for it to come down. If it comes down too soon, the integrity of the building will be at stake. If it stays up too long it becomes irrelevant and possibly a hazard.
Just as a builder relies on scaffolding to safely construct a structure, teens rely on supportive relationships to help them navigate their journey toward adulthood. By scaffolding our teens with love, respect, and understanding, we empower them to tackle challenges head-on. This dynamic process not only strengthens their resilience but also fortifies their connections with the adults in their life, the Wise Elders. This paves the way for a smoother transition into adulthood. Remember, the goal is to build a solid foundation, allowing them to flourish in their own time.
Photo by: cherryandbees