When They Lie (Part 3)
We’ve established that teenagers lie. A lot. The previous two postings have sparked juicy conversations and questions. A Part 3 was needed.
Meet Wilder
I started seeing Wilder when he was 7 years old and fully living up to his name. Wilder had experienced significant infant and early childhood trauma. In elementary school, Wilder was bullied to the point where he had to change schools. Once Wilder entered middle school he became the one who bullied. And then he started lying.
Wilder is parts-led rather than Self-led, and self awareness is not his strong suit. Wilder has had to survive the relational trauma and abuse he experienced the first 7 years of his life, navigate the compounding effects of being bullied and being a bully, and then suffer the repercussions of his acting out from his parents. To withstand all of this, Wilder’s parts have had to take on intense protective beliefs and behaviors, including lying.
The paradox of trusting the teen who lies
Asher, like most adults, is of the mind that he can only trust Wilder when his son has fully proven that he is consistently trustworthy. Unfortunately, this is an impossible standard to set for any teenager, and Wilder will fail every time. During this stage of development, lying as a communication strategy is going to be part of the exploration of becoming, of being a part of the world outside the home, of breaking trust, and how to make the repairs. It is this kind of lying that we as the adults need to scaffold, teaching them how to responsibly lie. An important paradox.
I let Asher know that even though Wilder lies to me often, I trust him fully. Asher couldn't wrap his mind around yet another paradox, but there is a sound logic here. I know Wilder’s history, I see how his protector parts must currently work to get him through situations he encounters. So I trust Wilder to be able to be trustworthy within parameters that he's able to be trustworthy.
If he's outside of those parameters, I know he does not have what he needs to be successful. Therefore, I can trust that if the structures are not in place to scaffold him, he will have to figure it all out on his own. It’s not that Wilder is being deliberately untrustworthy. All manner of protective behaviors will present as “irresponsible” and “untrustworthy.” He’ll be impulsive, make mistakes, make ineffective decisions, and then he’ll lie about it. We can trust his system to keep doing what it has so wisely done. Until he’s come through to the other side of healing from the trauma and has matured into young adulthood. As my wise colleagues said, “We can trust the protective system and the spirit of goodness.”
Encountering the Trickster
Should Asher and other adults begin to get curious with Wilder, they will find that, in Wilder’s experience, most of the adults in his life are untrustworthy—lessons he learned early in life. Wilder can’t trust Asher to always be there for him. He can’t trust Asher to not lecture or scold him when Wilder messes up. He can’t trust his teachers to understand that he’s doing his best. He can’t trust the safety of the world around him, which requires him to be as wily as any Trickster in his encounters out there on the streets.
The archetype of the Trickster is usually present when someone lies. This powerful energy stirs up trouble for the greater good. The child who lies holds up the mirror for the world around them. The Trickster is the one who speaks truth to the king, says what we don’t want to hear, shows us what we don’t want to face. If a child lies consistently, we must turn and look at ourselves and the world the child is attempting to navigate the best they can with what they have.
Thus it is imperative for the adults in his village to educate themselves, do their own inner work, and come to the embodied understanding of how their own internal family systems work. The main point here is that there is law and order in the psychic system, arranged accordingly to manage daily life, to extinguish emotional pain and flooding, and to hold the burdens of trauma until such time that they can be courageously and compassionately witnessed and released. There is an inherent and autonomous wisdom to these parts. Their intention always is to be in service to Wilder. What will help Wilder continue to improve his trustworthiness score is how Asher and the village show up to Wilder when he lies.
Photo by: olly