How to Have a Conversation with a Teenager
The easy answer to the question, “How do you have a real conversation with a teenager?” is: “Just talk with them and listen.” Of course, it’s much easier said than done. If you’ve been around teens in any capacity, you may have found it to be ineffective, frustrating, infuriating, or your attempts just land like a load of bricks. Crickets.
Teenagers, while they can present as strange beasts residing in worlds unto themselves, are just young people going through something that most of us can’t quite remember accurately – this thing called adolescence. Many adults, even young adults just coming out of adolescence, express tremendous criticism and judgment toward their younger selves and to the teenagers in their lives. As adults, we have all sorts of ideas, preconceptions, perspectives, and expectations about teenagers. These things will get in the way of being able to converse with them.
I’ve not had a problem having conversations with teenagers. In fact, I thoroughly enjoy it. It’s been the bedrock of my work with teenagers in a wide variety of settings, both personal and professional. So here is what has worked for me.
Be relational 80% of the time and transactional 20% of the time.
For many kids, communication with adults feels more like a workplace meeting rather than relationship building. The focal points in conversation from the adults tend to focus on homework, chores, redirections, problem solving, suggestions on how to do this or that. It happens in families, classrooms, and in the therapy room. My adolescent clients often tell me that the first thing they hear from their parents in the morning, when they come home from school, or after being apart for the day are questions about chores, homework, and tasks.
Remember: Always start with delight if possible. Every interaction with your teenager is an opportunity to build rapport, trust, and to strengthen your relationship.
Situate yourself on the love end of the love/fear spectrum.
It is my premise that it isn’t love and hate that are at opposite ends of the spectrum but love and fear. If we love or care about a child, then there will be worry, concern, and fear. It’s so easy to lean into fear with teenagers. For good reason. Adolescence is a landmine of risks, vulnerability, temptation, and sometimes danger. However, when we relate to the child through the lens of fear, then it is automatically deficit-centered. We then begin to list all the reasons they should be cautious or careful or aware or prepared to be disappointed, be reasonable, and so on. Teens will have none of it. The message they often receive from this kind of talk is that we don’t trust them, that they’re not smart/strong/skilled/or ready enough to meet the challenges in their daily lives.
Antidote: It’s important to self-validate your fearful, worried parts. Then gently ask those parts to step aside so you can be with the teenager from a place of courage, recognizing and highlighting their strengths. Teenagers don’t need us to save them from adolescence. They need to trust that we will be there with compassion and curiosity when they stumble and fall. Instead of cautionary words, ask them what they envision, how are they going to navigate these things, and cheer them on. Most of all, trust that they’re going to figure it out. Even if they fall flat on their faces. We figured it out, didn’t we? So can they.
Listen with your heart.
The number one complaint that I get from teenagers is that the adults in their lives don’t listen to them. We may hear them, the words they say, and the tone of voice with which the words are delivered. But hearing and listening are two different things. Often we hear and are also scripting our reply at the same time. This isn’t listening.
Active listening is the term that we often hear. I like listening with the heart. When we listen with the heart, we are listening to “the words under the words,” to quote Naomi Shihab Nye’s glorious poem, which she ends with:
“Answer, if you hear the words under the words—
otherwise it is just a world with a lot of rough edges,
difficult to get through, and our pockets full of stones.”
Participate: When we listen with the heart, we actively involve our entire being in the conversation. We stay in the present moment. We attune to more than the words. Listening with the heart should evoke curiosity to know more, to understand, to step into those spaces with them. We participate, a wonderful word with roots that mean to partake, share; to grasp. We are in communion in those moments. What a gift for our kids. And for us!
Talk with not down.
While it helps to have some understanding of the different stages of adolescence, I always aim to talk with kids the same way I talk with adults. There are some things to know, however, that can make it easier to navigate relational conversations with teenagers.
Young adolescents, about ages 12 - 15 years old, need you to do a lot of listening! Listen for and attune to the drama, their friends, their teachers, their outrage, indignation, and certainty that they know best.
Older teens, 16 or 17 years old - depending on their maturity - are looking for much more nuanced conversations, want and need to be seen as young adults, and also continue to be fairly wrapped up in their own perspectives.
When they reach true young adulthood, 18 and up, it is imperative that the conversations be on a peer level even if you are still very much in a position of authority in the relationship.
Talking with: Dispense wisdom by teaching stories rather than pontificating. Humor is always welcome. (See a bit of advice on using humor with teens here.) Don’t dumb down your language. It’s okay – and important! – to use more sophisticated vocabulary, idioms, metaphors, and figures of speech. If they ask hard questions this usually means they’re ready for the hard answers. During adolescence, our job tilts from protecting them most of the time to preparing them.
Philosophical conversations will take you a long way down the road.
If you are having philosophical conversations about meaning, life, justice, and topics that point to things larger than the individual, then you are hitting the mark with teens. Adolescence is all about stepping into a life that has meaning. They are desperately searching for these connections.
Indulge: Have conversations about dreams, visionary goals, social justice and injustice, love and romance, religion and spirituality, and creative ventures. This is the ocean that adolescents need to swim in. It nurtures the transformative nature of adolescence.
Conclusion
When we talk with teenagers we have the opportunity to connect with some of the most vital people walking on the planet. They are immersed in a crucial transformative experience that all adults undertake themselves. Sometimes successfully and sometimes not. There are many chronologically aged adults who have not completed their adolescing. Teens may give adults all kinds of flack, but they need us — to listen, to be there, to share, and to validate them. A good conversation is just the thing.
Photo by: Lightfield Studios