The Practice of Becoming: Self-Validation - Part 2

Dec 15, 2021- I wrote in part 1 of the blog post The Practice of Becoming:

“There is no desired future until we’ve come back home to our selves where we are. Perhaps you are asking me right now “But what if where I am is intolerable? What if I don’t like it here? What if ‘where I am’ is completely and utterly lost? If I’m lost then how in the fuck am I supposed to orient myself!?”

The answer to those questions lies in self-validation. This is different from affirmations, compassion, comfort, empathy, raising your self-esteem. A subtle difference in some areas and a striking difference in others. To self-validate opens the way to being able to self-affirm, comfort our selves, to have empathy for the parts of us that are shamed and hurting, and it may or may not raise our self-esteem. But by the time we self-validate, we don’t really need to have a higher self-esteem. We know we’re worthy regardless.

When I was a new therapist and clients came to me suffering the turmoil of internal shame and criticism, the first thing I would do was to teach them mindfulness and give them a list of self-affirmations to use throughout the week. Inevitably, it the strategy failed. I still teach them mindfulness—that is necessary in the Practice of Becoming because it helps us stand still and come into the present moment to figure out what’s going on. However, the positive affirmations never worked. Because no matter how often the client would tell them selves:

I am worthy of love.
I am strong and confident.
I feel proud of myself when I ______.
I can be who I am in this moment without judgement
and so on.

No matter how often, they never believed it. No matter how much they said the words.

Nor will we believe those words when someone else says them to us when we’ve got the voices in our heads that say otherwise. Not when we live with our inner critic parts, the inner judge and jury parts, the vigilante cop part. These parts will say:

You’re not worthy of love because you don’t know how to do the simple task of keeping your house clean.
Ha! Strong and confident? How can you be confident when you go to the grocery store looking like you do? You know everyone is going to be looking at you. There’s nothing to be proud of. You haven’t done anything that anyone else couldn’t do.

These can be brutally abusive voices. They can also be sly and sneaky.

Are you sure you want to apply for that job? There’s probably people more qualified than you. Why don’t you look for something that suits you better. You don’t want to set yourself up for an embarrassing failure.

When we don’t like where we’re at or who we are, when we are lost in our lives and can’t find our way back home to our selves, self-affirmation isn’t necessarily going to get us there. The way that I have found that works for me and in my work with clients is to validate the parts of us that invalidate us. I learned this in my Internal Family Systems (IFS) training, in working with my own critic parts, and in working with clients’ critic parts.

This takes courage and curiosity. And you have to want to find your way back home to your self to turn and face these various internal tormentors with the intention of validating them. But it works.

Here’s a quick example:

I am sitting with some parts these days that have a lot of not-so-validating things to say about my increasing age and all of the ways that the years are showing up in and on my body. I have parts that go on and on about my skin, my chin, hair, waist, ankles(!), butt, arms, stomach—okay, every body part, really! None of it is nice or kind. This makes it hard to take care of my body when my parts have so much discomfort and dislike for it.

In the past, I would’ve reminded myself to talk to myself as a friend would. I’d remember that age brings wisdom, and we don’t always honor or respect our elders in this culture—I’d put my aging experience in a larger context. I’d assure myself that I don’t really look all that bad, all things considered.

But that hasn’t worked. It doesn’t stick. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about myself and my aging body.

Instead, I sit with the parts that bring the messages, have a certain view of my body, and want /expect something different. I have to validate them first. So this sounds like:

Yes, it is hard growing old in this culture when youth is glorified everywhere.
I know age isn’t really considered all that attractive to many. It’s hard to look in the mirror.
My body really is aging! It’s not the same body I had 30 years, 20 years, heck! even 1 year ago!
It’s frightening growing old, and I don’t know how it’s all going to play out.
It’s hard to feel regret for all I didn’t do when I was younger and more able.
I get it! We [me and my parts] are having a hard time with this aging thing!

It’s surprising the relief that comes when I actually turn towards those parts and agree with them. Notice that nowhere in my responses did I agree/validate their statements that I’m fat, ugly, spotted, out of shape, weak, frail, incapable, etc. (which is what they say to me). I validate the facts and the emotions they bring.

This action softens the critical nature of these parts. Yes, it’s true, aging is hard, I am 60 years old, and aging is scary. Now I can breathe. Now I have space opening up inside. Only then can I respond with assurance, contextualizing, and affirmations. Now, I say to my parts, “I’m actually doing a better job of taking care of myself now than I was 10 years ago. I have other parts that are so proud and excited about being 60 and these approaching elder years. Let’s lighten up a bit and enjoy these years to the absolute fullest. It’s okay, I’ve got you and I’ve got this!”

Now, it soaks in. Now I have an embodied sense of coming back home to my self.

To wrap up this posting—I was in the airport a few days ago getting ready to travel to the east coast. I both felt my age and young; I was both envious of those who were young and fit and equally proud of how I walked through the airport; and I felt the sadness and nostalgia of the years behind me while also filled with delight and wonder at the hoped-for years ahead of me. I felt all of it.

Given the encroaching years, I am making a concerted effort to spend more time on the east coast with my dad, siblings, aunts and uncles, and my grandkids. Time is slipping by, we’re all getting older, and time together is more precious than ever. The pandemic has intensified this in all kinds of ways. So while at the airport I was in search of a mug to keep at my sister’s house where I stay when I’m back east. With all of the feelings swirling—envy, pride, sadness, and delight—I found the most perfect mug. I picked it up, cradled it in my hands, and laughed and laughed and laughed. Validated in all kinds of ways.