The Practice of Becoming: Standing Still and Self Validation - Part 1
Nov 15, 2021- One of my most treasured books is a first edition of The Star Thrower by anthropologist and philosopher Loren Eiseley. He writes—and please excuse the gendered indicator for all humans—
“Ever since man first painted animals in the dark of caves he has been responding to the holy, to the numinous, to the mystery of being and becoming, to . . . ‘the weird portentous.’”
The mystery of being and becoming—Isn’t that really what we’re doing here? Dancing with the mystery of who we are and the never-ending process of becoming who we are to be?
Regarding the practice of becoming
How to define or describe a process that is always in motion, ever-shifting and changing? How to go about understanding this alchemical process in which the transformation is continuously occurring, re-occurring, and being undone? A transformation which is always attained and never attained?
This act of becoming is something that we are all engaged in at any given moment from the time we were conceived if not before whether we know it or not. Becoming happens to us. It is what being human is all about—being and becoming human.
But we get caught up in the necessary demands of our days. Or we get clobbered by trauma and crisis. These take us away from our knowing, from our wisdom. We can end up feeling very far away from our self. Or maybe we’ve never felt like we had a self to come home to.
What demands or trauma or crises have taken you away from your own Ground of Being,
that cause you to feel that you have lost your way? Have you found your way back?
Or are you still wandering, feeling lost in the wilderness?
Over the years, I’ve had client after client say one or more of the following:
I don’t even know who I am.
I feel lost.
I don’t know my self.
I feel broken.
I feel disconnected from my life.
I said these same things to my therapist early on in my healing journey.
I also said (and lived!) something like this and have heard some version of these words over the years: ”Once I’ve [lost weight, got my dream job, healed, found a partner (fill in the blank)] then I’ll be happy and know who I am.” The focus and energy are out there in the future. Active engagement with our living and becoming gets put on hold. All the while, we miss the fact that we’ve already arrived. We’re already there.
When I came to that realization some years ago—that where I am is where I need to be—it was like coming home to my Self. Even if where I am is awful. Sure, there are always dreams, goals, fantasies, visions, strivings. These are wonderful things! But! I ask you, how in the world are we supposed to get anywhere if we don’t know where we’re standing right now? How are we going to orient ourselves towards a desired future if we are lost to our selves in the present? How are we going to move towards something else if we don’t come to terms with and learn to navigate what is right in front of us?
We don’t. We can’t. There is no desired future until we’ve come back home to our selves where we are. Perhaps you are asking me right now “But what if where I am is intolerable? What if I don’t like it here? What if ‘where I am’ is completely and utterly lost? If I’m lost then how in the fuck am I supposed to orient myself!?”
All good questions!
Standing still
I have two immediate answers to these questions. The first comes from David Wagoner’s poem Lost. He writes, “Stand still. Wherever you are is called Here.”
Turn your eyes and heart and feet and gut to the few square inches where you stand, to this moment and this moment only. It is a practice, this act of becoming. Notice that you are rushing around and gazing off into a distance where you have not arrived yet or have wandered back into the past, trying to make it different. Notice that you are not Here. Then stand still and look upon what is. What do you see? Hear? Touch? Feel? What is your breath doing? Notice how long you can stay before something takes you away from Here. Feel that, too. Do this again and again.
“The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you,” Wagoner reminds us.
Notice what is.
For a long time, I didn’t even know I was lost. It was when I stopped and paid attention that I first knew that I was lost to myself. That was the beginning of the journey. Much of it was very very difficult and painful. I noticed all of that, too.
Right now, in this Here and Now, I notice I am tired and sore. I notice threads of hope, sadness, despair, grief, and gratitude. I feel a heaviness after reading about the pandemic while also my heart lifts as I look out into the incoming night, the bats flitting in and out of the patio lights. I notice my fingers on my keyboard and that a part of me has wandered on into tomorrow.
I stand still and let the world find me.
If I can stay right here and right now, then I become aware of . . .me. Just me. A flawed, simple, complex human being some months into her 61st year doing the best she can. That’s all.
And in that moment, I feel my humanity alongside the rest of the human beings on this planet, all of us engaged in becoming. And just like that, I’ve come back home to my self. With practice, I have been able to reorient my self when the terrain is torturous, wild, frightening, and traumatic, when I am lonely and in despair and overwhelmed.
Self-validation
The second answer to the questions above is—to learn how to validate your own precious self.
Learning to see who we are, to hear our voices, fully accept and value who we are, and to love our self for who we are in this moment as we are and to not abandon our self—this is guaranteed to bring us back home, back to the fullest knowing and experience of our being and our becoming.
Much easier said than done! But don’t despair; it is completely possible to do so. I will address the practice of self-validation in my next blog as it deserves much more space.
Sometimes we need to stand still so we can self-validate. Other times, we’re not going to be able to stop running away from our self until we self-validate. Begin somewhere, with one or the other. You will find your way, I promise.
In these moments—and moments are all we really need—we are kin to the person who painted animals on cave walls, left handprints like ancient graffiti on desert rocks to say, “I am here.” We touch the mystery and stand on sacred ground and know that we are, in this moment right here right now, engaged in the “weird portentous” work of becoming.
Some ways to begin exploring the mystery of your being and becoming
Are you lost or do you know where you are and can find your way back home to your self? Remember, it’s important to orient yourself first.
If you know where you are, describe your Here. If you are lost, you are still *somewhere*! So describe this Here. Look around you and name all that is—the bad and ugly, but always remember to name the good and the beautiful as well.
How does the world find you? Mary Oliver writes, “Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination.” How is the world announcing itself to you and to your imagination?
As a beginning practice of self-validation, begin to notice where you lack compassion or tolerance in your life. This could be either with your own parts or behaviors or with others that you encounter along the way. Maybe make a list and just sit with that. Don’t force yourself to have compassion where there is none. Know that there is plenty of time to let this unfold.