Validation: Meeting the Music That Is You
Oct 18, 2021- Given the varied interests and passions I have in my life, I’m somewhat surprised by my excitement about this whole concept of validation. I did not realize that in some ways I’d been making my way here all along. I had wanted to offer online classes for parents and those who work with adolescents to help them navigate this confusing and often frustratingly painful time in the journey of becoming. I have long known that healing our own unresolved adolescent wounds are necessary for the healing of the world. A somewhat hyperbolic proclamation, but one that I feel is absolutely true nonetheless. So I sought out a coach. She asked the question, “If you could give parents one tool that their teenaged children need; something that they could begin using right away that would allow their children to know how to be in the world and in adult relationships in a healthy way, what would it be?”
“Validation. If parents knew how to really validate their adolescent child, everything would change.”
The answer came unbidden without much thought or hesitation. Those are often the answers that come from somewhere else, some deep well of Wisdom. The right question at the right time, and that piece of Wisdom was given to me.
“If you could give parents one tool that their teenaged children need; something that they could begin using right away that would allow their children to know how to be in the world and in adult relationships in a healthy way, what would it be?”
I have sat with parents, adolescents, and families over the course of the last 15+ years and witnessed the love they have for one another. At the same time, I’ve witnessed the incredible pain on all sides when they’ve tried to communicate with one another, tried to have themselves seen and heard. I’ve watched parents go through the script I gave them that told them how to validate, only to have the child roll their eyes and scoff, “You don’t get it.”
I couldn’t figure out where the breakdown was. What was preventing the parent from being with their child in a way that the child felt seen, heard, accepted, valued, and loved for who they were in the moment as they were? I began to understand that, in spite of all my coaching, the scripts I gave parents, how much they felt like they “got it” and wanted to connect with their child (and this was true of couples as well), the other person did not feel validated.
It was during one of these sessions that the light bulb went off. Validation is simple but not easy. Validation is so much more than a scripted experience. Validation first involves understanding ourselves and being able to validate ourselves. We have to feel at home with ourselves in those moments, even just a little bit, before we can help the other person feel at home with themselves. We have to meet the music that sings in our own bones and muscles and heart and psyches. Only then are we able to be with someone in a validating way.
“We have to feel somewhat at home with ourselves before we can help the other person feel at home with themselves. We have to meet the music that sings in our bones and muscles and heart and psyches.”
Furthermore, I realized that I was sitting with the parents in an invalidating way! I needed to validate those parts of the parents that caused them to be with their children in invalidating ways. Only then could we get to where we wanted to be with each other—all of us, therapist, parent, and child. I began to listen for the ingredients that were present when the other felt validated. I listened for what got in the way of validation. I heard painful self-invalidating statements and the invalidated parts of folks that wanted/needed to be heard. I witnessed how fear gets in the way. I began to offer gentle suggestions to family and friends, with permission and after validating them, as to how they could be with their loved ones in more validating ways. And they got it! It felt like light bulbs were coming on all over the place.
Most importantly, I began to use these tools in my work with clients. What a difference! On every level. As a therapist, my energy level went up tremendously as I was able to be with clients without an agenda. I began to see all of the ways that I invalidated my own emotional experiences, so I was able to start being with myself and my parts in a kinder, more validating way. I became a better therapist and a better person.
Then my perspective began to widen. I started to see how invalidation was operating on a national level, on social media, in politics. How all of us are clamoring to be seen, heard, accepted, and valued as we are in the moment as we are. I began to understand that even those folks for whom I hold so much anger and frustration, if I could move my barriers aside, had experiences that I could validate. Validation is a communication superpower that can breakdown the most rigid of barriers. It’s a superpower that lets us know that we are all connected by our humanity. I began to feel like it was the process that could heal this country, that could heal the world. Something that I’ve been trying to do pretty much since I set foot on this planet.
This is good work. There is always a reward for this work, an invaluable one. For the one who validates and the one who is validated. It’s a win-win situation. You can’t go wrong when you engage in the practice of validation. And lord knows our world needs us to show up in this way.