Suicidality, Validation, and Adolescents - Part 2
For every young person who completes suicide, dozens more have attempted suicide. And for those dozens, there are yet more who live with ongoing suicidal thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we are fortunate to have young people who are suicidal come to us, their parent or teacher, or some caring adult and say, “I just want to lay down and never wake up.”
They are telling us, in so many words, “But I don’t want to die, I’m struggling, and I need your help.”
So, what do we do when an adolescent comes to us and says they want to die? The first response is to validate the suicidality. How do we validate something as extreme as the wish to die/not live? We validate emotions and the desired outcome of suicide—pain and the desire to end the pain—not the suicidal behavior.
To validate a suicidal part essentially follows the same nine step process I’ve defined in this blog. However, since suicide is an especially challenging topic to navigate, I’ve outlined it here in the specific context of responding to suicidality in teenagers.
To begin, it’s good to familiarize yourself with the working definition of validation:
To validate someone is to communicate with them in such a way that you elicit their embodied experience of feeling seen, heard, accepted, valued, and loved for who they are in the moment as they are.
Step 1: Slow down, especially if you are activated, triggered, or afraid.
Remember, in this moment the teenager is not in imminent danger. You have time and space to navigate this. Take it. Slow down. Orient yourself to the here and the now.
Step 2: Come into awareness of your current state.
Name all that’s coming up. The fear, the urgency, confusion, helplessness, anger, feelings of being manipulated, grief, guilt, the need to do something immediately, your professional duty in such a situation, and the list goes on. Name them to yourself—not to the teenager you’re sitting with.
Step 3: Set a goal for your interaction before you begin to speak.
The primary goal will be to assess for safety. If you are not qualified to do so, then it is imperative to speak with a qualified provider. However, there are other important goals to consider that will aid in this primary goal that anyone can achieve, for example:
Developing trust between you and the teenager in this moment and for future interactions
Co-regulating your nervous systems.
Getting closer to the root of the immediate problem or trigger.
Assuring the adolescent knows you’re not overwhelmed and that this situation is one that you can navigate.
Helping the child entertain the possibility that there are other solutions to the unsolvable problem,
An equally important goal in the case of suicidal parts is for the adolescent and their suicidal part to have the deep knowledge that you respect their right to hold their lives in their own hands. This seems completely antithetical to suicidality. However, that act of empowerment may be the very thing that keeps them alive. To give an adolescent the right to sit with the choice, to live or die, even just momentarily, is an opening to Self energy, a central healing concept in Internal Family Systems. It allows the person to begin accessing curiosity, perhaps some self-compassion, and calm.
This is a dance. You must hold to your parental duty to do everything in your power to save your child’s life. You must hold to your professional duty as a mandated reporter. But equally, you must, as a fellow human being, fully respect this child’s sovereignty. Both stances can be true at the same time. Holding both views simultaneously may be the thing that saves this child’s life.
Step 4: Identify your ‘yeah buts’
As we go through the validation process, as much as we try to understand, we are inevitably going to have all kinds of arguments, what I call the ‘yeah buts’. From most perspectives, the suicidal feelings and fantasies are unacceptable. That suicide could even be considered a viable solution to the problem facing the individual seems incomprehensible. To validate suicidality, we shift our stance to see the situation with new eyes and come to a more nuanced understanding of the complexity of the child’s experience.
Initial “yeah buts” might sound like this:
“I know you have it hard, but I was dealing with so much more stress when I was your age.”
A part that wants to help the child by comparing experiences. If I got through it, you can too.
“I took your phone away. I get it. I made you angry. But that’s no reason to try and get your phone back by telling me you’re going to kill yourself.”
A part that feels manipulated and angry
“I know your girlfriend broke up with you, but this isn’t the end of the world. You’ll find love again.”
A part minimizing their heartbreak
“You know our neighbor is also LGBTQ, and they made it to adulthood without dying by suicide. I know life was miserable for them, too. Maybe you could talk with them?”
A problem-solving part
Step 5: Validate your ‘yeah buts.’
All your reactions, emotions, beliefs, and experiences are reasonable under these circumstances. You are allowed to have all of them! And these parts will stand between you and this young person who is suffering.
The suicidal part is a firefighter part responding to a compensatory level of pain in the individual. It doesn’t matter what the reason for the pain is. Your job in this moment is to work towards understanding, even just a little, so you can see the world through the eyes of this child and let them know that you really, really get it.
Once validated, these parts usually have no problem making space for your Self energy to come to the forefront.
Name and acknowledge the parts/feelings.
Validate them, knowing they make sense and have a place.
Remember the goal you set for your interaction with the adolescent.
Ask the parts to give you room to be with the young person with as much compassion, curiosity, and courage as possible.
Step 6: Be curious,
Step 7: Listen with your heart, and
Step 8: Feel the shift within you.
These three steps involve the all-important communication skill of listening and hearing. With your ‘yeah buts’ off to the side and no longer between you and the child, curiosity, courage, and compassion are much more accessible. These three qualities of Self energy will be invaluable in the validation process where suicidal parts are involved.
Any time you hear or feel the ‘yeah buts’ there on the tip of your tongue: take a moment and check in with yourself and your parts. Remember the larger goal of the conversation, validate the part of you that just showed up and ask the parts to give you room to be with the young person with as much compassion, curiosity, and courage as possible. Imagine your ears are where your heart is and listen from there.
Step 9: Speak your understanding and acceptance.
One of the most common questions people ask me regarding the validation process is “But what do I say to make the person feel validated?” In my experience, once you’ve gone through the first eight steps, this step is effortless. Once we truly understand another’s experience, then we know exactly what to say, what not to say, or whether to say anything at all.
You’ll know what to say because it will be what you would want to hear in such a moment. We know what it feels like to be validated. And we know what it feels like to be pacified, managed, or dismissed. Your heart-listening and embodied understanding, with the fear no longer between you, will give you the words that the adolescent needs to hear in this moment:
“A broken heart is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s as if you’ll never love or be loved again?”
“I think you’re saying that because you’re transgender, the world is unsafe. I hear how afraid you are. I also wonder if you feel like there’s no hope that it will change.”
“Failing that class…it’s like your hopes and dreams have been blown to smithereens. I totally get how awful this must feel. Your future gone. Just like that.”
“I hear how the shame and guilt is eating you from the inside out. It makes sense you would want to end that misery.”
A Cautionary Note
Never take a young person’s suicidal feelings lightly nor assume that they are safe. Call a professional provider if in doubt. The Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) is an excellent program for providers and laypersons, including parents that will give you the tools you need to navigate such situations. One aspect of the ASIST training is a validation process. We cannot ever underestimate the value of a suicidal adolescent feeling seen, heard, accepted, valued, and loved in that moment as they are—especially when overwhelmed with pain and darkness.
