The Nine Steps of the Practice of Validation

Apr 6, 2022- While the concept of validation is quite simple—the act of making someone feel they are of value—it is a surprisingly complex process, which could be why so many of us have a hard time getting it right. Validation is a critical aspect of relationships with our partners, children, and the people we interact with daily. In fact, I propose that it is the foundational relationship skill upon which all other skills are built upon. When we get it right, our relationships are golden. When we get it wrong, it can result in devastating consequences, some of them long-term.

It’s breathtaking how easily just a few wrong words said at the wrong time can break a person in half.

What is validation?

To validate someone is to communicate with them in such a way that you elicit their embodied experience of feeling seen, heard, accepted, valued, and loved for who they are in the moment as they are.

This is my working definition of validation and my compass in all of my interactions with others. I don’t always get it right, thus the ongoing practice.  

So how do we validate others?

As I’ve explored validating conversations and interactions, I’ve found that there are some essential steps in the process. However, this isn’t a linear process. It’s more like a dance. Sometimes we have to circle back around to earlier steps. Always  tuning to our partner in the dance, the one we are trying to validate.

Here are the nine steps I’ve discerned as crucial to the process. A short explanation accompanies each, and I will go into each step in greater depth in future blogs.      

Step 1: Slow down, especially if you are activated, triggered, or angry.

You aren’t going to be able to validate if you are not emotionally regulated. The tricky part is that the other person often needs to be validated when they’re activated, triggered, or angry.  Their emotional dysregulation is bound to get our heart rate up and activate all kinds of parts within us—anger, frustration, worry, fear, the need to fix, explain, etc. In fact, we should count on that to happen. So slow down. Take a breath before doing anything.

Step 2: Come into awareness of your current state.

To validate the other person, we must first do our own internal work. Beginning with knowing what’s coming up for us. What emotions and thoughts are running the show right now? Take a moment and notice—if you’re angry or frustrated, worried or terrified, want to fix or walk away, or any of a wide variety of feelings and reactions.  

Step 3: Set a goal for your interaction before you begin to speak.

What do you want this relationship to look like on the other side of the conversation? Do you want to feel that you’ve maintained your connection with the other, that each of you feels relatively emotionally safe? Your goal will help keep you on track during those moments when it becomes difficult to stay the course.

Step 4: Identify your ‘yeah buts.’

The ‘yeah buts’ are the parts of you that will get in the way of you being able to truly validate the other person. For example:

“Yes, I understand you’re having a really bad day. It’s hard. But you still have to get up and go to school/work.”

[A part of us will often show up to try and solve the problem or fix it. Or perhaps a part of us is worried that if the person doesn’t get up and get on with their day, then they’re going to fail class or get fired.]

“Yes, I can see how frustrated you are. So irritating when something like that happens! But we’ve got to just grin and bear it.”

[Oh those philosophical/toxic positivity parts! Often, these parts show up within us because we’re uncomfortable with the other person’s emotions.]

Step 5: Validate your own “yeah buts.”

Using the examples from Step 4, of course if someone we care about is having a bad day and isn’t able to get out of bed and get moving, we’re going to be worried! Who wouldn’t be? Let yourself know that it makes perfect sense that you’re worried. However, fixing automatically invalidates the understanding you expressed at the start. Trying to fix the problem tells the person that you don’t really understand and that you’d prefer to have the person be beyond this moment.

So validate your worry and your fix-it parts. Then take a breath. Get some space inside. Remember your goal. And turn your attention back to the person you’re with, with the worry and fixing no longer between you.

Step 6: Be curious.

Now that it’s just you and the other person, and all of your ‘yeah buts’ have stepped back, be like a compassionate detective. Take the time to find out more about the other’s experience. Not so you can solve the problem or prove a point. Find out more so you can come to your own embodied understanding of what the person is experiencing.

Step 7: Listen with your heart.

You’re listening for understanding, empathy, and compassion. You’re not listening to debate or to make them feel better. Keep working to have the ‘yeah buts’ stand back. Keep your heart and mind open. Let the words land in your heart and in your core. Not just in your cool logical brain.

Step 8: Feel the shift within you.

Keep engaging in curiosity and listening until you feel the shift of understanding within you. It’s the “aha!” moment where you really, really get it. It’s like finding the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle—it fits into the whole picture just so, and everything comes together. At this point, you will have a great deal of clarity as to why the other person is lying in bed or why they’re frustrated and can’t let it go.

Step 9: Speak your understanding and acceptance from your heart.

Having gone through the previous steps, you will find that often you’ll know exactly what to say, and it will hit the mark. Or perhaps you’re going to know that no words need to be spoken. You’re going to be able to just be with the other person, to enter into their emotional field and be with them there. This is validation at its finest.

Reciprocity

I have found that when we do this work, not only is the other person validated, but we ourselves are validated in two ways. The first is when we validate those ‘yeah buts’ which rise up in us when we’re activated or triggered. We have to engage in self-validation to validate the other. The second way we are validated in this process happens when we have an embodied understanding of the other. Something in us recognizes something in the other person, a moment of being met.

In conclusion, to paraphrase Plato—Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back, “I hear you.”