The Authority of the Adolescent
April 2, 2025 — There is an interesting dynamic that occurs in many adult-adolescent relationships that has its roots in the archetypes of the Old Man and that of the Eternal Youth. These archetypal energies each hold one end of the tension wire, a mythic imperative to remain forever in relationship with one another, not ever quite coming together but never not in communion. This is nothing new.
In the first hymn to Hermes in The Homeric Hymns, written down over 2500 years ago and derived from tales far older than that, we see the youth Hermes in all of his brash glory. First, he thinks to make a lyre out of a turtle’s shell, then he tricks Apollo’s cowherder and steals fifty of his cattle. When confronted by the authoritative Apollo himself, Hermes defies, lies, plays the victim and the innocent. Apollo says to him, “You trickster, you sharpie, the way you talk I bet you have broken into a lot of expensive homes in nights past and left more than one man with nothing more to sit on than his doorsill, looting his home without a sound. And you’ll be a nuisance to shepherds in the fields of mountain-valleys, whenever you're in the mood for meat, and you come across herds of cattle and flocks of sheep.” While the details are from antiquity, it has the feel of a contemporary interaction between an adult and a teenager.
Apollo and Hermes go on to develop a prickly relationship, each continuously challenging while also understanding the other. Apollo respects Hermes’ adolescent nature, accords him the title Prince of Thieves. The skills of the Prince of Thieves later leads to Hermes unique ability of escorting souls to the Underworld and then returning to the upper world, an ability given to only a few of the deities.
Throughout the hymn we get hints of Hermes struggling to assert his authority, albeit quite immaturely. He challenges his mother and stands up to Zeus in the highest court of the cosmos with just a hint of snark. Even the impulsive decisions to kill a turtle for its shell and to steal the cattle are an assertion of his presence into the world around him, an attempt to leave his mark, to get a rise out of the cowherder. Possibly, he secretly hoped that he might have a face-to-face meeting with Zeus, the king of gods himself. What better way to test his mettle and budding authority than with the lord of sky and holder of the lightning bolt.
They will test their authority and our patience
I told the story of my power struggle with Tarsen in an earlier posting. Since that time there have been many interactions where a young person has asserted their power, both effectively and ineffectively, and I’ve responded both effectively and ineffectively. The question of “who’s in charge” when interacting with teenagers does not have a definitive answer. The adults in charge must stay in charge, and the teenager making their way to adulthood when it is imperative to know how to wield power with integrity must learn to assert their authority. While it can be challenging for those of us at the helm, letting teenagers exert power, sometimes defiantly and unwisely, is so important for their developmental path to True Adulthood, as it has been for at least two millennia.
As adolescent service providers, our job is layered. Sometimes nuanced, sometimes forthright. We need to be responsive, hear the intention behind the strident words, teach them to discern when to insist on authority and when to step back, and coach them on how to exert authority that earns respect. We must also be aware of what happens in us, what parts show up, when they assert authority, especially when it is an attempt to have power over—over the parent, the teacher, the administrator, or whoever actually holds the true leadership in the situation.
I have a part that wants to move from authority to authoritarian, a rigid position that brooks no leniency or flexibility. There are parts that get angry, feel disrespected, want to stay in control, and want to put the young person “in their place.” When I feel these energies within my own system, that’s the signal that it’s time to do my work, to turn inward and get the ground back beneath my feet. Only then can I stay in relationship with the young person. Re-reading Hymn to Hermes was a great refresher course, seeing how both Apollo and Zeus, while retaining their authority, were amused and impressed with Hermes’ audacity.
Teenagers need to learn how to step into their authority, their authentic power. While these two words, authority and authenticity, appear to have the same roots, they have different origins. Authority, authoritarian, and author originate from roots that mean, etymologically, “one who causes to grow.” Authentic at its root means “one acting on one’s own authority.” And here we see that, indeed, these concepts play off of each other. To be authentic is to come from one’s own authority.
What it looks and sounds like
So how do we do this dance of authority with grace, generosity, and wisdom so that our kids make it into True Adulthood knowing how to wield their authority with integrity? Recently, the United States has witnessed people in positions of authority face the authority of the American public as if they were fully embodying the juvenile Hermes after stealing the cattle. Accountability was nowhere to be found. There were lies, sly barbs, and a lack of perspective or empathy for Apollo’s poor duped cowherder. Unlike the young Hermes, these are adults who hold positions where people’s lives are now endangered by their actions. This is what it looks and sounds like when the young person moves out of the chronological age of adolescence and into adulthood while their Inner Adolescent parts remain firmly in an uninitiated state. There is no true authority without integrity, in my opinion. Authority with integrity is the ability to own our mistakes, to apologize, to gentle the sting with humor and validation, to be fully accountable, knowing that “the buck stops here.” This is Self leadership.
A refrain I hear often from the 18-year-old young man who is my housemate is “I’m 18 yrs old now. I don’t have to do (whatever it is that I’ve told him to do) if I don’t want to.” But I am responsible for him and because of that Imust have some authority. He lives in the house I’m paying for, he does not have the resources or experience to live on his own, and so he is dependent on me to some degree.
But he’s right! He is technically of age, able to vote, able to drive, can enlist in the military without parental consent, can carry his own car insurance. He is, in essence, a young adult. My response to his assertion of authority is to meet him there, to agree with him, and then move to negotiating, problem-solving, and sense-making.
“You’re right, you don’t have to do that. And I can’t make you. Why is this an issue?”
Here are some of the processes involved in situations like this:
Find compromise.
Check our boundaries
For the one who holds the authority, dole out relevant consequences if those boundaries are violated. (Boundaries with integrity are a form of authority with integrity.)
Agree to disagree. Set it down for a period of time if things get heated.
Come back together and talk it through to the other side.
Offer meta-communication tips or observations to help them understand that it’s not the content of our discussion but how we talk about the problem that will have the greatest impact.
In the end, we want to meet the Eternal Youthful energy of the adolescent with the temperance and wisdom they need.
Photo by: Natnan