"Even When We're Not Okay": The Gift of Self Energy

April 216, 2025 — There are several memorable lines in the fantastic series Resident Alien, a show that acerbically yet compassionately explores the quirky, paradoxical nature of being human. In one especially moving moment, Asta reveals a long-held secret to her adoptive father, leaving him feeling betrayed. With a tremor in her voice, Asta asks, “Are we going to be okay?” He responds gently, “Even when we’re not okay, we’re okay.” I’ve watched the series all the way through three times (it’s that good), but this time around that particular exchange between a child and a parent really struck me. It expresses a longing we all carry—to be seen, forgiven, and held—and it’s met with a rare blend of love and wisdom.

How do we get to this place where we can say to our kids with complete honesty: 

Even when we’re not okay, we’re okay. 

Even when it’s not okay, it’s okay.

Even when I’m not okay, I’m okay. 

Or say with the firm belief that if we’re not there right now, then we will be. It will be okay once we get through the conflict, the crisis, the grief, or the rupture. 

We’re not okay but we will be.

It’s not okay but it will be.

We don’t know when or how, but we feel it down to our bones the truth of these words. How can we be sure we’re making a promise that will be kept?

What are parts?

I often mention parts in my postings. If you are familiar with Internal Family Systems (IFS) then you know the concept of parts as the way we understand our internal experiences. Here is IFS therapist Stefanie Marris’s succinct explanation of IFS and parts:

“It is the idea that our psyche is made up of numerous parts that influence how we think, feel and behave at different times. You could think of them as various sub-personalities. When we are feeling emotionally overwhelmed or mentally distressed it is because these parts are active in us and they are working hard to help us manage with what is happening in our lives.”

We tend to think and speak naturally in “parts language.” For example, as I write this, I might say to my husband, “A part of me wants to walk down the street to the ice cream stand and get one of Carl’s sinfully creamy strawberry soft serve cones. But another part of me wants to stay at my desk and keep writing.” Yet another part of me is chastising me internally: “You had that piece of coffee cake early this morning, an ice cream cone would put you over the top.” There’s an entire conversation happening inside my head. Those are my parts. Then let’s say that I do go and get the ice cream. It’s quite likely that I’ll be laying in bed later this evening and an inner critic will show up that doesn’t have one thing good to say about my body or my willpower. Critics, anxious parts, parts involved with addictive processes, parts that hold hopes and dreams, and parts that hold heavy burdens weighed down by shame, regret, and self-loathing—the list goes on. It’s a busy place, the human psyche! 

The power of Self Energy

But there’s another concept in IFS that’s equally, if not more, important than parts: Self Energy. This is the answer to those questions we ask when we're trying to find a way forward—how do we feel okay even when things are not okay?

In IFS, Self Energy is the state of being in which we’re no longer dominated by parts. People often describe it as simply “me.” No fanfare. No spiritual ecstasy (though some might call it that). Many experience a tingling sensation in the body when they’re in Self Energy—I do, too.

Self Energy is incredibly valuable, whether you’re parenting teens, working with adolescents, or supporting clients as a therapist. It’s a grounding presence. It’s the reason IFS has gained such worldwide recognition and respect. Therapeutically, IFS brings a major paradigm shift. Instead of pathologizing symptoms and trying to eliminate them, we build a relationship between the client and the parts manifesting those symptoms. And as this relationship deepens, clients access Self Energy—which is always there.

Self Energy is not something we develop or strengthen—it’s innate. It doesn’t need to be “created.” As we work with our parts and create more internal space, Self Energy naturally emerges. I like to call it being at home with our Self.

The 8 C’s and the 5 P’s

In Internal Family Systems, there are qualities that the therapist/practitioner and client identify when Self Energy is present. We call them  the 8 C’s and 5 P’s of Self Energy. 

The 8 C’s are: Calm; Clarity; Compassion; Confidence; Connectedness; Creativity; Courage; and Curiosity.

A 9th C is sometimes added, Choice, because when we are “parts-led” often we don’t have choices about how we act or feel. When Self Energy is present, we have a greater capacity to choose how we’re going to be in those moments. 

The 5 P’s are: Patience; Perspective; Persistence; Playfulness; and Presence.

To access Self Energy, all of these do not need to be present. We only need a measure of some to create the space inside for the relationship to unfold and strengthen between parts and Self. It’s important to remember too that the presence of Self Energy does not mean that our parts go away, that we’re not feeling our feelings. We’ll continue to feel all of it, and as we feel it all, we know, without a doubt, that even if we’re not okay, we’re okay. 

Coming home to our Self

When we are at home with our Self, accessing Self Energy, rooted in our Ground of Being, we can also be falling apart, crushed by unbearable pain, witnessing traumas we experienced as children, and still be okay. As parents of teenagers or as providers who serve adolescents, we need that inner map that brings us back home when we lose it—when everything feels like too much. And our kids need us to offer that map, too. They need to hear, even if they don’t ask:

 Even when we’re not okay, we’re okay. And more often than not, when they hear it from us, they find their way back home to their Self, too.

Photo by: Valmedia