Three Learning Curves for the Adolescent (& Their Adults)
March 26, 2025 – Learning curves are tough, and they never stop. As adults, we know that no matter how skilled or experienced we are in one situation, a new environment or challenge can make us feel like beginners. For teenagers, this is especially true. The transition from childhood to adulthood brings a host of new challenges, and these can feel just as steep as the ones toddlers face when they’re learning to walk or talk. Teenagers are faced with extraordinary challenges as they learn to navigate an ever-expanding world, moving further and further away from the comforts, protections, and familiar frustrations of family.
Three common and steep learning curves for adolescents are: navigating social and intimate relationships; navigating the workplace; and shifting paradigms from being a child in the home to an independent and responsible member of the household. The adults in the teen’s life climb those hills as well.
Navigating social and intimate relationship relationships
There is a very good reason for the drama that begins to unfold at about the age of 12 or 13 and far into young adulthood. Those of us who have teenagers in our lives witness and are privy to their heartaches, subterfuges, the black and white thinking, and no quarters given when they’ve been ‘done wrong.’ We also may see the normal egocentricity of the teenager when they are the one doing the harm but make no empathic connection between the pain they experienced last week and the pain they inflict this week.
Adolescent service providers, including parents, may be tempted to respond in some of the following ways:
reassuring them that "it will pass" without truly acknowledging their emotions;
pointing out hypocrisy when they act in ways that mirror how they were wronged;
worrying about the future and assuming they’ll be lonely forever;
trying to "fix" the situation instead of letting them process their own way through it.
Instead of these tried and not-so-true ways of helping the young people we care about deal with the sometimes harsh realities of friendships and intimate relationships it can be more effective to give them the tools they need. They will come through the other side with wisdom, confidence, and perspective. The tools may sound like this:
Friendships are necessary—and sooooo complicated! (The ability to hold two opposite things at once, the both/and perspective)
Somebody hurt you and you wanted to hurt them back. Do you think it worked? (Fostering self-awareness)
I worry about you being alone. I can tell how hard this is for you. (Validation, being present)
These kinds of responses provide validation and help teens feel heard while gently guiding them to reflect on their feelings and actions.
Navigating the workplace
Think about all of the challenges and possible pitfalls that kids encounter when they first enter the working world:
A new kind of authority—and in some cases the authority figure is not much older than they are;
the skills needed for the position they were hired for;
more social interactions to navigate with colleagues and possibly the public;
the bewildering array of financial information found on the paycheck, how to budget when money is burning a hole in their pockets, tracking their hours;
the myriad challenges of boredom, being challenged too much or not enough, managers who bully, dysfunctional systems in the organization,
and this list goes on.
The role of mentors
A good manager can be an influential adolescent service provider. My first job was a soda jerk at the local drugstore’s lunch counter. I’m showing my age! Organizing and prioritizing my time, tracking five things at once so the bacon wouldn’t burn and the toast wouldn’t get cold, and putting on a pleasant face when the customers were rude and impatient were all skills I learned in this job without even knowing I was learning them. I had a shift manager, a lunch counter manager, the owner’s son, and then the owner who were in positions of authority over me. I had to learn who to trust, who to go to, who was going to teach me, who was going to shame me. Dot was the manager who I connected with. She didn’t scare me! She taught me to cook, was firm but patient, and was a master at handling customers with aplomb while demanding respect. It’s been 49 years, and Dot’s lessons still hold fast.
The trusted adults really need to show up when kids are in less than ideal work environments. Sometimes the adults need to protect them when there is a predatory manager, when the young employee is asked to go beyond the position they were hired for, or when they’re bored and want to quit but the necessary lesson is to stick it out and bear the boredom. Learning work ethics from a mentor or learning the surefire hard way of displaying poor work ethics are invaluable lessons on the learning curve to adulthood.
The crucial paradigm shift
The steepest learning curve of all is when the child follows the developmental imperative to carve out their place in the world. New relationships form with siblings and parents. The family itself enters a new stage of development. This learning curve is one that definitively involves the parents and other adults in the adolescent’s life. Graduation, leaving home for college, or starting a career mark huge milestones, but it’s not always as smooth as it seems. Parents and other adults play a critical role during this transition, significantly impacting the experience the young person has.
The process of learning to stand on their own can be both empowering and daunting. As teens gain more freedom, the dynamics with family must evolve. The big question is whether parents or caregivers are providing the right kind of scaffolding. Are they letting the teen take necessary risks? Are they hovering too much? Or do they give their teen too much space too quickly, leaving them to navigate things without enough support?
We’ve got this!
Learning curves are a natural part of growing up, and while they might be steep, they’re essential for development. By acknowledging the challenges teens face, offering guidance that fosters reflection and growth, and adjusting our expectations as they transition into adulthood, we can help them climb these steep slopes with confidence and resilience.
Photo by: tonjung