Other Adolescent Service Providers: Grandparents & Managers
February 19, 2025 – Typically when we hear “service provider,” we think of therapists, coaches, youth mentors, and so on. I have always considered most of the world’s adult population to also be adolescent service providers. I have two stories for you to illustrate why I put grandparents and employers/managers under the umbrella of adolescent service providers.
Managers in the workplace
I have heard nightmare stories and gratifying inspirational stories about workplace managers for young people. I had the deep pleasure of witnessing a master adolescent service provider work her magic at my local phone store. I was there to get my new phone set up and my old phone ready for return. I had 75 minutes with absolutely nothing to do but sit and watch. Normally I’d be on my phone! (Side note: Lots of things happen that I’m not aware of because of the amount of time I spend looking at my phone. A lesson to take to heart.)
The manager, let’s call her Tanya, was the one who was taking care of me. I sat at the counter across from her and watched her do magic. Tanya is probably in her late 40’s/early 50’s. She never moved from her stool, however, her influence permeated the entire store. There was a steady line of young employees coming to Tanya with questions, for clarifications, and receiving validation—verbal and nonverbal. Every interaction I witnessed was positive.
Samir, a tall young man barely 20 years old with brown eyes shining with humor, stayed close to Tanya. I assumed he was being trained. Their rapport was a delight to watch. Tanya scolded with humor, redirected with firmness, gentled her exasperation, patiently repeated directions more than twice, and occasionally gave him a verbal pat on the back. When she scolded, we’d make eye contact and he would grin.
Tanya challenged the young employees to think, to research, to double-check, and to take responsibility. Only occasionally would she take over. The staff on shift were self-directed and team-directed. The thing that stood out above all things was the level of respect they showed to Tanya. Her respect for them was apparent, but it was a different kind of respect. She embodied that confidence of knowing her place, supporting her team in their place, and the boundaries weren’t crossed. Tanya had earned their respect by respecting them. This was the epitome of a healthy working environment where young people were being scaffolded and supported as they developed work ethics, customer service skills, and tackling learning curves moment to moment.
I wanted to take Tanya out for a cup of coffee and ask her how she did this. It was a marvel to witness.
Grandparents!
Teenagers with grandparents in their lives are lucky indeed. As are the parents of teens! Grandparents are part of the village that our adolescents need, and they are adolescent service providers. They meet essential and unique needs of teenagers that no one else can.
I mentioned in the previous posting that our grandson, Jaden, is now a part of our household. He is almost 18 years old, so the majority of the parenting part has been completed. What we’re doing now is a combination of parenting, scaffolding, and launching him into young adulthood. I fully confess that all of my advice, teaching, coaching, suggesting, encouraging, and experience has come to bear in our daily interactions. My admiration and respect for parents of teens has grown tenfold.
Our morning this morning
My grandson and I have been living in the same house now for five weeks. It’s been a learning curve for both of us—which Jaden observed during our debrief after our big blow out this morning.
Our big blow out was about the kitchen sink and dishes. It wasn’t pretty on either side. To say that I got hijacked by my parts would be a nice way to put it. To put it more bluntly—I acted out.
We stood in the kitchen, his 5’11” towering over my 5’2” while we went toe-to-toe on what it means to live in a household together, to take care of our own messes, who is pulling more than their weight, all the tit-for-tats. It wasn’t pretty, as I said. Being around adolescents activates the Inner Adolescent within adults. My precious, fierce, juvenile Inner Adolescent parts are wide awake now. So my parts and I are strengthening our relationship with each other these days while Jaden and I work on our relationship.
After I cooled down, aka unblended from my parts, I knocked on Jaden’s door, invited him to come down and talk. When he was ready, we both were ready to listen to the other. As the adult/grandmother/adolescent service provider, it was my responsibility to listen to him first, to be curious, to validate. We did some parts detecting, exploring his defensive part and my micro-manager. We commiserated on both of us being plopped down in the middle of everything new—new lives, new routines, new place, new relationship between us. Then we were able to move on to the kitchen sink issue and tackle that productively and collaboratively.
We’re both on this learning curve. It’s wild, exciting, frustrating, challenging, and rewarding.
Doing the work of The Shiftless Wanderer
Tanya, unbeknownst to her, is doing the work of The Shiftless Wanderer. Grandparents all over the world, unbeknownst to them, are doing the work of The Shiftless Wanderer. The tools we use here are:
the process and practice of validation;
compassionate curiosity;
love and courage as antidotes to fear;
and understanding the essential nature of Adolescence.
Tanya hit the mark on all of these as I sat with her for those 70 minutes. As Jaden’s grandmother, I continue to use the tools almost every minute of every day. And they’re working, I’m happy to say!
Stay tuned because this evening, Jaden’s best friend is coming to live with us as well. The adventure continues!
Photo by: djoronimo