Validation In The Classroom
July 5, 2022- In my conversations with teenagers, the one thing they consistently report that makes them want to be at school, allows them to connect with and respect a teacher, and promotes a safe school environment is feeling validated.
The practice of validation need not require any extra time in your day. This practice has the potential to save you many minutes, if not hours, in the school day because discipline problems will be minimized a great deal.
What is validation?
My working definition of validation is:
To validate someone is to communicate with them in such a way that you elicit their embodied experience of feeling seen, heard, accepted, valued, and loved for who they are in the moment as they are.
This communication practice is foundational to effective interactions and healthy relationships and can smooth the way to a safe and infinitely more pleasant classroom and school day.
Using the Nine Steps of Validation Practice
In my clinical work, I've looked closely at the validation process to understand how to proceed successfully and where it can get off track. These nine steps are a solid guide to a validating interaction. Here is a more in-depth description of each step and a webinar for further practice. Remember that validation is just the first step, that problem solving and any necessary discipline come after the initial conversation.
The first five steps of this process can happen quickly, within a minute or two with practice. They are an internal process to prepare you for the actual conversation you will have with your students.
Here's what the nine steps look like in action.
A student's back talk
You and your student Savannah have a cautious relationship at best. It can easily tip into conflict. On this particular day, Savannah is on a roll with her back talk. She's responded sarcastically to your directions and has made a joke at your expense under her breath but loud enough for you and her neighbors to hear.
Step 1: Slow down, especially if you are activated, triggered, or angry.
Before you say anything, take one or two breaths. Decide if now is the time to confront Savannah or if there is a better time in your schedule. What you don't want to do is to have it out with her at that moment.
Step 2: Come into awareness of your current state.
Quickly scan for irritation, frustration, impatience, annoyance, anger. Notice your emotional state. Don't react. Just notice.
Step 3: Set a goal for your interaction before you even begin to speak.
What do you want the relationship between you and Savannah to be like when you are on the other side of the interaction? Remember that what the other students witness in this interaction will impact your relationship with them as well. What do you want those relationships to look like? Note that your answer to this question concerns the relationship, not Savannah's behavior or the literal outcome.
Let's say in this instance that you want an improved rapport with her and lay some groundwork for continued improvement and respect in the relationship.
Step 4: Identify your 'yeah buts' and Step 5: Validate your own 'yeah buts.'
You're 'yeah buts' in this situation may be:
I get that she's a teenager, and teenagers tend to be snarky, but I'm really tired of her behavior.
Yeah, I know she's had a tough week, but that doesn't excuse the disrespectful behavior.
I know I haven't been all that patient with her, but she's taking away time and attention from the lesson and the rest of the class.
I understand that Savannah is just being Savannah, but I can't let her get away with this kind of behavior. What kind of message does that send to the rest of the class?
Give yourself grace with each 'yeah but.' These parts of you have an investment in the interaction to come. For example, the part of you that wants to remain in control of the situation; the part that doesn't want to be taken advantage of; the part of you that might feel threatened by Savannah; the part of you that's just sick and tired of teenaged back talk, especially Savannah's; and whatever other parts might be activated by the situation. Know that all these feelings make sense and may be warranted, but they need to move out of the way before you engage in the validation process, or they’ll interfere.
You want Savannah to be on the receiving end of validation not your fears, attempts to control, frustrations, or criticisms. If it's difficult to have these step aside, come back to your goal for the interaction; this is your compass.
Step 6: Be curious, Step 7: Listen with your heart, and Step 8: Feel the shift within you.
In these steps, you will be interacting directly with Savannah. You work to listen with compassionate curiosity, listen with your heart, and listen for understanding. You're not listening to find weaknesses in her speaking to make your point. You're listening to validate Savannah.
Depending on what your relationship with Savannah is and keeping in mind your goal for the interaction, some ways to begin the short conversation might be:
So what's going on, Savannah? I notice that you're coming on pretty strong today.
I know that you and I don't always get along all that great. I'm wondering if there's something you need to tell me? I'm open to hearing it.
Hey. Sounds like today might be a hard day for you? Anything you need me to know?
It sounds like either me or this class, or both, are really getting on your nerves today.
I think, based on how things are going today, that you'd rather be anywhere than here?
Notice that all of these already start the validation process in that you are communicating to Savannah that you see and hear her and are aware that something is a bit off today. And you're doing so without the critical part of you making these observations.
Savannah may or may not be forthcoming. Stay with her in this process. If she doesn't want to talk, let her know that's okay. She may not feel safe enough to do so. Let her know that, while you're not keen on the way she interacted with you and the class today was not okay, you want her to know that open to hearing feedback and maybe work with her on some problem-solving.
Under the best of circumstances, Savannah might respond by telling you what's going on. Her boy/girlfriend broke up with her; her parents are fighting; she's on her period; she didn't sleep last night; she's bored in your class; she thinks you're a crap teacher; she feels like you don't like her; she can't focus today; she hates the subject that you're studying right now; she forgot her lunch. Or maybe she doesn't know why she's acting the way she is; she just knows she's "off" today.
Continue to address your 'yeah buts' to stay in conversation with her. Remember that this is not problem-solving. This is about listening, understanding, and letting Savannah know you understand. If you're listening from a place of openness rather than fear or criticism, it doesn't take long to feel that shift within. Understanding is an "aha" moment that allows for empathy.
For example, if she says that she thinks you're a crap teacher, find out why rather than taking it personally. You don't have to agree with her, but she has the right to have an opinion and to express it. Having the conversation allows her to express her opinions more appropriately rather than acting them out in class. And she might actually give you some needed critical feedback that could change the environment in the classroom overall.
In these three steps, you are entering into a conversation with a fellow human being—not just a student or a disciplinary problem. When we do this, we feel it very differently in our bodies. Both individuals have an openness, reciprocity, and a much more relaxed nervous system. This is relationship-building at its finest and lays the foundation for effective communications in the days ahead.
Step 9: Speak your understanding and acceptance.
This is the easiest step of all once your 'yeah buts' have been validated, stepped back, and listened to understand. Knowing what to say at this point comes with little effort and often with compassion.
If Savannah says you are a crap teacher, your response might be, "I remember some crap teachers from my high school years. Yeah, not fun! Okay. Maybe you can write up a list of what's not working for you? I'll be sure to take a look at it. I can't guarantee I'll make changes, but I'm open to hearing feedback. All I ask is that you work on not disrespecting me in front of the other students. It just makes it hard for everyone. Does that sound like a plan?"
It's possible that this interaction with Savannah would take all of 3 to 4 minutes and could change the whole classroom environment for the rest of the school year. At the very least, there is a path forward for you and Savannah.
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