Part I ~ Let Us Remember: Reflections from Adolescence ~ Ciara Fanlo
November 27, 2024 – This week, I’m delighted to have Ciara as a guest blogger. Once a "troubled teen" herself not too long ago, Ciara now dedicates her life to supporting adolescents. As the founder of Homing Instinct, she provides mentorship and coaching for teens, drawing on her deep understanding of the adolescent psyche and the complexities of growing up while navigating mental health struggles. Ciara is devoted to transforming how we view adolescence, and how we learn from, connect with, and guide our teenagers.
Ciara evokes the experience of Adolescence in this first part of two blog postings. Let us remember.
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In Ciara’s words
In revisiting Adolescence, I have a store of raw, unvarnished, direct experience - the many diaries I kept since I was eight. These pages are filled with entries I wrote throughout moving cities and schools, the rollercoaster of friendships, the grief of my parent’s divorce, and the weight of academic expectations that felt like they determined my future. I wrote throughout my struggles with self-harm and suicidality, and through years of therapy, medication, and treatment — from inpatient hospitalization, to wilderness therapy and a therapeutic boarding school.
Writing has always been my way to process and make sense of events, to reorganize and to remember. I often dip into that well of memories in my work with teens in order to transport myself back to that period of intense vulnerability. Teenagers need adults who remember. When we can appreciate, acknowledge, and contextualize the journey and life stage that is Adolescence, something softens within us — because, we too, were once that age. We once felt confused, insecure, and lost. And if we're honest, sometimes we still do.
To help us remember, I want to take you on a journey, guided by diary entries from my younger self that illustrate some of the key features and patterns of the teenage years. Perhaps, as you read, you will recall some similar memories and moments from your life when you felt this way too.
Shame drives avoidance; love fosters courage
Diary Entry: “Everything is mounting, and it’s so scary, and I just can’t face it. All my energy goes towards keeping a lid on things. Everyone would leave if they knew how awful I really am.”
As a teenager, I kept my struggles hidden, afraid that revealing them would cost me the love and acceptance I so desperately needed. I didn’t have the security in myself or my relationships to share the truth. While it may have looked like I was being avoidant or intentionally secretive, I truly didn’t know how to be honest. And fear was at the root.
I remember a moment from the winter of my sophomore year, a time when life was unraveling. It happened in the locker room before swim practice—the first practice I’d attended that season, after weeks of inventing excuses. Life was slipping through my fingers. I had a mountain of unfinished assignments, was barely able to get out of bed, and was cutting daily. I was in a near-constant state of panic, and sustaining the amount of energy it took to hide that fact was an all-consuming job.
I waited till the other girls left the locker room to change, too embarrassed to do so in front of them. I put my things in a locker, and walked over to the mirror. My thighs were covered with fresh cuts. My body spilled out of the material. My eyes looked hollow and empty. Looking at my reflection, I began to cry.
What am I supposed to do? Go to practice like this? And let everyone see how awful I look? Let everyone know I’m a basket case who is cutting herself?
I clamped my hand over my mouth and sobbed. I couldn’t. I wanted to disappear. I pulled my clothes back on as quickly as I could, and left. I would have to come up with some excuse for the coach. For the adults who knew little about the inner turmoil I was experiencing, it seemed like I was being lazy and avoiding my responsibilities. But the truth was, I didn’t know how to explain what was happening. I didn’t think anyone would understand. I didn’t know if they would really care. Embarrassed and ashamed, I sank deeper into my private whirlpool of despair.
Admitting struggles and asking for help requires trust—trust that we’ll be loved no matter what. We hide because we’re afraid our struggles will disqualify us from love and belonging. To invite teens into being courageous, we must love them unconditionally. We must create a space so open and accepting that no mistake or challenge could push them beyond the circle of our love.
When we see teens as inherently good, whole, and capable, we offer them a foundation of trust and security—a steady ground from which they can face their struggles with courage. From this place of unconditional acceptance, they find the strength to confront that which makes them tremble, weep, or want to retreat. It is through this brave exploration of their fears and vulnerabilities that they begin to grow into resilient, self-assured young adults.
Why the Trivial Feels Vital
Diary Entry: “I’m going to get one as soon as I’m 18. I can’t wait to finally have something intentional, something like art, something I actually like. Maybe it’ll help me like myself too.”
How often do we dismiss a teenager’s outbursts, requests, or emotions as trivial or overly dramatic, failing to see the deeper significance beneath them? When I was 17, I had a complete meltdown because my mom wouldn’t let me pierce my nose. And to an outsider, I likely seemed immature or self-absorbed. But to me, it wasn’t inconsequential or frivolous—it felt like being cut off from air.
As a teen, my baseline was despair, sadness, and anxiety. I carried an unbearable heaviness about myself and my life. But every so often, something would break through the gloom—an invitation, an idea, a spark of possibility. Each one carried a fragile, shimmering hope: Maybe this will make things better. Maybe you’ll finally feel okay.
For example, a friend invites me over. I have homework to finish, or I’m grounded, but I feel so tired of not belonging. Maybe tonight, at Julia’s, I’ll feel accepted. Maybe this is the moment everything changes. So I have to go. Or I see a photo of a green bedroom on Pinterest. I cry myself to sleep every night, feeling so isolated and empty. But I think, If my room is green—my favorite color—maybe I’ll finally find comfort there. I need to paint it. Today.
So, I wanted a nose piercing. I hated how I looked and felt in my own skin. But I thought, If I choose something I like, something cool, maybe I’ll finally like myself and my face.
It was never so much about the “thing” — a visit to a friend’s house, a green bedroom, a nose piercing — but the feeling I longed for: finally feeling okay, "normal," loved, connected. Those feelings were so vital, so life-giving, that anything seeming to promise them felt as essential as oxygen.
What may seem shallow on the surface—a teen obsessing over a piercing, a bedroom color, or a party—is actually a desperate search for identity, social acceptance, and security. As a teen, I didn’t know other ways to achieve those feelings, so I clung to what seemed like a solution. That’s why things like getting a driver’s license feel monumental to teenagers—it’s not just about driving; it’s about the independence, freedom, and possibility it represents.
Now, this doesn’t mean we always give in to requests; my mom’s choice to deny my request wasn’t necessarily right or wrong. It was important for me to learn to make choices from a grounded, wise place, and not always from reactivity. But it’s worth remembering how powerful and urgent those moments feel when you’re a teen. Maybe you can recall a time from your own adolescence—a party you had to attend, driving the car alone for the first time, or having friends over unsupervised. While those things may seem trivial in hindsight, they carried immense meaning then.
For teenagers, these desires often represent something far deeper than the surface request. By understanding this, we can approach their requests with greater empathy, guiding them toward the security and self-assurance they are truly seeking.
Photo by: BullRun