How to Validate: A Case Study
Validating teenagers can be challenging. Throughout the adolescent years, there can be many situations where it seems there is little to validate. However, two of the guiding principles for validation are:
We only validate what’s valid. And there is always something to validate.
We can explore the validation process in a common situation that many parents struggle with—teens and the safety of virtual social interactions.
Niko and his phone
At 15 years old, Niko recently revealed to his parents that he is exploring gender nonconformity. His mom and dad have just discovered that Niko has been virtually connecting with a group of other gender journeyers. His parents are supportive of Niko’s identity search. However, their main concern is safety. Despite issuing an ultimatum to Niko to stay off of the platform, Niko continues to seek out the company of these online friends and lies to his parents about it.
In response, his parents:
put parental controls on their home computers,
threaten to discontinue Niko’s phone service if he continues to use the platform,
and check his internet history and communications nightly.
Niko feels that his privacy has been violated, his parents don’t trust or understand him, and he no longer trusts his parents. Things come to a head with a heated argument in which Niko defiantly refuses to stop meeting with his friends and threatens to leave home. His parents are at a loss as to what to do.
Validating Niko
While Niko has gone behind his parents’ backs and lied to them, it is still his parents’ job to start the validation process. This is another guiding principle of validation:
Someone has to start the validation process. The one who starts is the one who is capable of doing so.
Step 1: Slow everything down and take a breath.
First, his parents decide to put all discussions with Niko on hold. They back off of the ultimatums and suspend checking Niko’s phone for a few days. They don’t want to escalate this further. They need time to process, breathe, ground, and get a larger perspective.
Step 2: Come into awareness of your current state.
As his parents talk with each other, other parents, Niko’s therapist, they begin to unpack their feelings.
They name: anger, frustration, fear, a strong desire to punish Niko’s defiance, and worry that they’ve been bad parents. They don’t expect these feelings to go away. They just notice and name. Niko’s therapist suggests they also notice those feelings in their bodies: muscle tension, heart rate, breath, sensations in their gut and chest, etc.
They are less reactive now, are on a more even keel, and can be more responsive to Niko. There’s more room to problem solve. They also realize they don’t really know much about the platform or the people as they’ve never asked Niko about it.
Step 3: Set a goal for your interaction before you begin to speak.
Niko’s parents talk about what they want their relationship to look like once they get to the other side of their conversation with Niko. They spend intentional time exploring this as the stakes are high. This goal will be the compass for the conversation with Niko that will follow.
While it appears that they want to have control over Niko, they understand that they really want to feel confident in Niko’s ability to stay safe out in the world. They want their relationship with Niko to be stronger and the broken trust to be repaired.
Step 4: Identify your ‘yeah buts.’
Mom and Dad spend time discovering the parts of them that engage in ‘yeah buts.’ Which sound like:
“I understand he needs friends during this time, but why can’t he associate with people at school?”
[A problem-solving part that will interfere with the validation process.]
“Maybe we shouldn’t have been looking at his phone and internet history, but how else will we keep him safe?” [This ‘yeah but’ part says there’s only one solution and wants to justify their actions.]
“I get why Niko feels that we betrayed him, but why can’t he understand that we care about him and that it’s our job as parents to have some oversight?” [A common part that often emerges when we care about someone is based on fear and wants to protect. This part will interfere with the validation process.]
Step 5: Validate your own ‘yeah buts.’
Niko’s parents validate each of these ‘yeah buts.’ Each one has validity. They have every reason in the world to want to find a solution. The part of them that wants to justify their actions has a valid point—the intention of keeping Niko safe. And, of course, what parent isn’t always worried about their children to some degree? Where there are children and responsibilities, there will inevitably be parts that carry fear.
Validating their own feelings and beliefs will allow them to step back into the conversation in an open, compassionate, and curious way. They are ready now to move to the next step.
Step 6: Be curious.
Using the goal they articulated in Step 3, Niko’s parents are ready to talk with him. They want to hear his side of things. This is their opportunity to incorporate compassionate curiosity to discover Niko’s experience, his reasons for refusing to relinquish control over this situation, and why he lied to them. This compassionate curiosity is not to prove any points to Niko. It is simply so they can understand and move toward validation.
Step 7: Listen with your heart.
Continuing to check in with, validate, and put aside any ‘yeah buts’ that tend to interfere with their ability to be fully present to Niko in a validating way, his mom and dad work to listen from a deeper place than just their ears. They listen from the connecting point in the relationship between them—their hearts, which is also the seat of courage.
They continue to ask questions for clarification, always working to understand Niko, and using the goals of the interaction as their compass:
to trust Niko’s ability to keep himself safe—
to repair the broken trust between them—
and to strengthen their relationship with their son.
They continue this validating conversation until they know without a doubt that they understand.
Step 8: Feel the shift within you.
This knowing brings an embodied shift within Niko’s parents. They feel the “aha!” moment. The residual ‘yeah buts’ fade away without effort. It is a moment when his mom and dad connect with Niko fully. Not only do they know Niko in this moment—his reasons, his logic, his thinking, his world view, and perspectives—they understand the value of these perspectives.
Step 9: Finally, communicate your understanding and acceptance.
Once they feel the shift, Niko’s parents express this understanding. They are now attuned to Niko. If this is the case, then Niko will feel it. This is a reciprocal moment where the repair truly begins.
The communication may sound like this:
“I understand you are lonely and feel really connected to these folks. And they validate you.”
“You felt we didn’t trust you, that we were treating you like you were stupid and naive. And you felt like we really violated your privacy in a big way. It makes sense that we lost your trust.”
“You felt like we weren’t listening to you, so you felt like you had to resort to lying. I’m guessing you didn’t know any other way to make this work.”
Moving forward
Niko’s parents will work at this conversation until they know that Niko has felt validated, when he can say, “Yeah, you really do get it.” From there, they can move the conversation to problem-solving, deciding how to communicate in the future to eliminate Niko’s felt need to lie, and whatever other things need to be ironed out or explained.
This process has laid the groundwork for more positive, effective communications going forward, especially when there is conflict.
You can learn more about the nine steps in the validation process here and here.
Photo by bunyarit