Four Reasons Why You Aren’t Able to Validate and What to Do

If you’ve been with me even for just a little while you know that validation is my go-to tool for connecting, repairing relationships, helping kids (or anyone) feel emotionally safe and seen in the interaction. It truly is a communication superpower.

When we’ve interacted with someone so that they have that embodied feeling of being seen, heard, accepted, valued, and cared for/loved for who they are in the moment as they are, then we’re on our way in this relationship. So many good and necessary things happen when the foundation is, what I call, a validating ecology. This process and practice of validation is simple but it’s not easy. And, here’s the kicker—we don’t get to decide if we’ve validated the person or not. They do. We engage in the process and they are the ones who experience it. It can be quite challenging. Especially if we engage in the validation process and it isn’t working! So let’s look at some of what might be going on.

1 - Do they really want to be validated?

Sometimes it seems like the adolescent across from us doesn’t want to be validated. They resist and push back anything that feels validating. This can be frustrating and evoke all kinds of parts within us.

It may look like this:

You are working to instill more confidence in your teenage client Janice. Her constant refrain is, “I’m not (smart, pretty, popular, organized, etc) enough.” So when she tells you that she aced a tough exam, you exclaim, “That’s awesome! Way to go!”

 Janice looks down, up, off into the distance, everywhere but at you. And shrugs. “It’s just a stupid test.”

 You: I heard that it was a really hard one. And I know you studied a lot. I also heard that, since it’s an AP class, that score will make a difference on your GPA and college applications.

 Janice: Yeah, but it wasn’t that hard really. Anyone could’ve done it if they’d really tried.

 You: Yeah, well, I’m really proud of you.

 Janice, as she crosses her arms, shrugs her shoulders, and say, “I’m not. There’s nothing to be proud of.”

What to do?

Paradoxically, Janice doesn’t want to be validated about the positive—her hard work, her accomplishments, her fortitude. What she needs validated is the feeling of not being enough. It is the protector part of Janice that needs the validation here.

So you might continue the conversation like this:

You: Ah, just a stupid test. I’m guessing in the whole scheme of things that just doesn’t feel like enough to make a difference anywhere else. Like not being (skinny, popular, smart, etc) enough.

 Janice: Yeah. It’s just a test. And it wasn’t that hard.

You: So even though you aced it, it wasn’t hard, so that means you’re really not all that smart?

 Janice: Yeah. Anyone could’ve done it if they’d tried hard enough.

 You: Ah! I get it. So even acing this tough test—it still doesn’t make you feel like you’re all that smart. So what if I said instead that I think you are brilliantly stubborn, incredibly persistent, and really kind of brave to keep showing up, taking these tests, doing a bang-up job, even when it feels like it really just doesn’t matter. It’s just a stupid test, you didn’t work hard, but you did show up. I think that’s pretty special.

And Janice may or may not let those words in. If not, then you come back to the validation process until you really understand what’s going on with Janice and what behavior or which part of her needs to be validated.

2 – The hidden agenda

You have an agenda and hope to change their behavior by validating behavior that you’re hoping to highlight. For example, you want your teenager to clean up after themselves, so you highlight every time they do so. They catch on and start rolling their eyes. Teenagers are the world’s best bullshit sniffers. They’re going to feel the manipulation underneath your words and it won’t go well.

What to do?

You probably need to revisit your goal for the interaction. If you’re goal in a validating interaction is to get them to do something you want them to do, this isn’t going to end well. Check back in. What is it that you really want in your relationship with this kid? Then go from there. In this instance, maybe what you really want in the interaction is to find a collaborative solution to the problem of the messy room. To do that, first you have to find out why the room stays messy. This is the beginning, then, of this particular validation process.

3 – They keep saying that I don’t get it.

You haven’t quite understood what’s going on with the adolescent in that moment. Even if you think you understand, but you continue to hear arguments from them, or their own “yeah buts,” or continued “You just don’t get it”—then know that you are missing the mark.

What to do?

More time is needed to connect and for compassionate curiosity to get to that place of understanding. What you are aiming for is that feeling in you that tells you “I get it.” For me this feels like an expansion, a releasing, and sometimes even a bit of a chill. I know then that I’ve really understood what this person is trying to get me to understand.

4 – I’m not in the right place to validate. Even if I wanted to.

You might not be the right person to do the validating. If you are angry, triggered, “in it,” then you can’t validate. This often happens when there’s conflict. It could be that things are really stressful or one interaction after another keeps going sideways and you can’t get back on track. You’re not feeling validated!

What to do?

To be able to validate, we need to be emotionally regulated, able to access a certain measure of Self energy. For me, when I’m in this regulated state, I feel that I’m at home with my Self. If I’m emotionally dysregulated, then I’m not there. If your teenager is also not at home with their Self, then both of you are out there in the wild and wooly storm. You cannot be there for your teenager if you aren’t standing on home ground, accessing Self energy.

So give yourself grace. You can’t be the end-all be-all for your teenagers all the time. Be honest with yourself and with them. Take some time. The first two steps of the process are to pause and self-assess. If you’re not there, then tag team it if you can so you’re not the only one trying to get through a difficult situation.

In conclusion

One of the guiding principles of the process and practice of validation is that it’s never too late to validate someone. An hour later, a day later, a week, month, or even years later. It’s never too late.

Use the steps of the practice, find where you’ve gotten off track. Give yourself time and compassion. Show up to your Self and to your parts. Then you’ll be able to show up for that adolescent who’s been waiting for you.

Photo by r_tee