Effective Adolescent Service Providers Know How to Self-Validate
Tarsen was 15 years old and towered above me and most of the other students in the alternative high school program where I was both teacher and director. Tarsen and I had a great relationship, in spite of the fact that Tarsen had come to the program with the label of being “oppositionally defiant.” It was easy to get into power struggles with him. He and I had worked hard to be mutually respectful and not engage in power struggles.
However, one day Tarsen and another student got into an argument. Tarsen had threatened the student and wouldn’t back down. I had some fear parts get activated that it was going to turn into a full-blown physical fight. When fear is activated, it will trigger all kinds of reactions. So it was no surprise that one of my inner strong authoritarian parts showed up in that moment.
If you know anything about oppositional defiance disorder, then you know that the child’s defiant parts will not respond well to the adult’s authoritarian parts. [In Jungian psychoanalysis, we would say that the child is embodying the energy of Uranus—defiant, emboldened, rule breaker. And the adult is acting out of Saturnian energy—authority, law, and order. Sitting with the power struggle in this way can help us shift out of showdown mode.]
Tarsen and I were fully involved in the showdown. I was running with full-on Saturnian authority. I told Tarsen he needed to vacate the premises. He refused. I issued an ultimatum—“I’m going to go sit at my desk and I expect you to be gone within the next 5 mintues or I’ll call the police.” I backed him into a corner. He refused, and, in doing so, he backed me into a corner. I had to either find my way out of this or call the police. If I called the police, then our rapport may have been irreparably damaged. If I backed down, then there went my necessary position of authority in the program.
So here’s where self-validation is the necessary first step to find our way out of messy situations.
As I sat at my desk, feelings/parts washed over me: frustration, feeling disrespected, helpless, embarrassed, guilty—to name a few. I was caught. The program’s success was built on my ability to maintain my leadership with integrity. The first place to begin was self-validation.
Self-validation follows much of the same steps as the validation practice does.
I took a breath as I sat at my desk. I checked in with all that was coming up for me in that moment. I got clear on what needed to happen in the next few minutes. I turned towards each of those feelings, those parts with their loud voices and intense energies, and I validated each of them.
It sounded a bit like this:
“Of course, I’m going to be frustrated. This feels like a no-win situation. And Tarsen knows the rules here. I have every right to be frustrated, and it’s okay to express that frustration.
“With Tarsen acting this way, refusing to obey my directives—yes, I’m going to feel disrespected. Aren’t I the one that’s supposed to be in charge here? I think anyone would feel disrespected if they were treated this way.
“And in the face of this, I’m going to feel helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I gave him an ultimatum. There was a lot at stake—Tarsen’s safety, the safety of the other student, the integrity of our program, the safety of the whole environment. Of course I’m going to feel helpless. And if I’m helpless, then I want to be in control. Not helpful but I know why I went there.
“And now look at where we are. I lost my cool and maneuvered Tarsen and me into this situation. Yeah, no wonder I have embarrassed and guilty parts showing up. I also have lots of guilt because I know that Tarsen feels disrespected by me. So there’s that.”
This process took about two of the five minutes I had given Tarsen to figure out what he was going to do. Validating my own emotions rather than focusing on Tarsen and his behavior or wallowing in my anger or guilt gave me clarity to take the next step.
I apologized for the power play. I didn’t apologize for my feelings.
My apology defused a potentially explosive situation. I modeled emotion regulation and repaired the rupture between Tarsen and myself. We all sat down and did some mediation. The integrity of our relationship and the program remained intact.
We are human. We’re going to be and act human when we’re with teenagers. We’re going to screw up and be reactive. We’re never going to be perfect. God forbid that we try. That road leads to disaster when we’re in relationship with teenagers. The beauty and gift of being an adolescent service provider is that to connect with our teenagers authentically we must successfully connect authentically with our own selves.
All too often—
our guilt or outrage,
our sense of affront or being disrespected,
our expectations that the teens we work with know how to behave more appropriately,
our fear that we might lose face—
will activate parts of us that want to shield us from being all-too human.
Then we are easily hijacked—
by authoritarian parts,
parts that have us indignant,
parts demanding satisfaction or an apology,
parts that refuse to admit being at fault or owning any piece of the responsibility,
or parts that fawn or befriend teens inappropriately,
thus giving up our own authority/authenticity, much to the delight and dismay of the teens we work with.
Remember. You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to feel all of your feelings. You are fully allowed to fail in any given moment. In fact, these are brilliant lessons to model for teenagers. Brené Brown calls it “wholeheartedness.” I highly recommend you take her Wholehearted Inventory, if only to get you thinking.
Our teenagers don’t need us to be all-knowing and all-powerful. They need us to know how to be with our own feelings, mistakes, failings, and humanness with grace, compassion, and validation. When we can do this, they feel safe. We are reliable. We are safe people for them. They won’t feel like they have to challenge or test us or walk on eggshells to protect them or us from our more unwelcome emotions/parts. The extra benefit is that we get to be with ourselves in the same way. It’s a win-win all the way around.
Photo by PRASERT