Conflict, Transformation, and Adolescence
May 15, 2024- I will begin by simply inviting you to see every point of disruption in your relationships with teenagers as an opportunity to bring in courage and fierce love.
The developmental stage of Adolescence** is, in essence, one long process of transformation and also one of conflict, given that transformation requires conflict and comes out of conflict. While we could despair in the face of long years of these long difficult years, bear with me as I make the argument for Adolescence as conflict in the service of transformation.
Conflict is “a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.” (Oxford Dictionary). The roots of the word literally mean “to strike together.” Different from a quarrel or argument, conflict is an ongoing tension, a repeated clash as opposing and yet intimately related forces meet again and again. Two significant tensions escort the young person through their adolescence—the need to belong v. the need for authenticity and childhood v. adulthood. More than conflict management or resolution, to navigate Adolescence, we must aim for conflict transformation.
What is conflict transformation?
John Paul Lederach, noted scholar of conflict studies, writes that a transformative approach to conflict “recognizes that conflict is a normal and continuous dynamic within human relationships. Moreover, conflict brings with it the potential for constructive change.” (My emphasis.) This approach to conflict goes deeper than resolution; it creates new paradigms.
By staying with these dynamic and often uncomfortable engagements we deepen our understanding of what activates and animates others, ourselves, and the culture at large. Conflict strengthens relationships, and gets to the heart of the matter. We can think of the disruptive nature of conflict as tilled fertile ground where life happens— dynamic, potentiated, and enlivened. Beautiful things can grow from seeds planted in disrupted soil.
Belonging v. authenticity
Straddling the liminal space between dependency on adults and the adolescent’s need to differentiate can cause ongoing conflict between teenagers and adults in authority. Young people will be defiant and rebellious in their instinctive demand to explore who they are. They may experience depression and, in some cases, suicidality if adults cannot find ways to create appropriate peace accords. These are skills that let us guide, scaffold, usher, and companion teenagers into adulthood.
Likewise, there is the painful tug-of-war to fit in and belong while striving to stand out and be special. Winnicott’s brilliant words resonate here: “It is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found.” It is a joy to belong, to blend in with the crowd, to not be unique. At the same time, it is an exquisite pain to not feel free to express authenticity and to be fully seen.
Childhood v. adulthood
Adolescents swim in a liminal ocean between the shores of childhood and adulthood. I have witnessed my teen clients over the arc of years and how they are simply in their Adolescence. Caught up in currents of grief, anger, confusion, desire, longing, need, ecstasy, darkness, and mystery, it is all that they and I can do to keep one foot in the mundane world. There is tension in this ocean, a “striking together” of the pull from behind, the fantasies and nostalgia of childhood, and the pull toward what is inevitable, the life that calls to them.
Archetypal psychologist James Hillman keenly observes the polarities between these energies, the Eternal Youth and Father Time, puer and senex, Peter Pan, and Captain Hook. Hillman explores the conflicting patterns and ultimately the necessary presence of one for the other. Hillman writes:
Puer and senex are each both positive and negative. Because these figures are in special relation forming, if you will, a two-headed archetype, we shall find it impossible to say good of one without saying bad of the other as long as the two remain in polar opposition. p. 37
The puer inspires the blossoming of things; the senex presides over the harvest. But flowering and harvest go on intermittently throughout life. And do we know finally who takes charge at death–greybeard with his scythe or the young angel? p. 35
While it begins from the moment we are born, it is in Adolescence that the mind, body, and soul become fully involved in the conflict between childhood and adulthood. And as Hillman points out, this is the work we do all the way to our last breath.
The capacity to engage in conflict as transformation
In our current times, Adolescence is long, beginning as early as age 11 years and stretching all the way into the mid-to-late 20’s. It requires all adults who impact the lives of teenagers to develop the capacity to engage with humility, vulnerability, and courage in the protracted conflictual tension of this transformative process.
Lederach suggests in his book five practices to develop capacities that conflict transformation calls for.
Develop a capacity to see presenting issues as a window, looking through the issue “to bring into focus the scene that lies beyond the immediate situation. This requires us to differentiate between the content of a conflict and its context.” Context widens much-needed perspectives and histories, leading to deeper understanding.
Develop a capacity to think both short-term and long-term, to integrate a variety of time frames, rather than just focusing on the immediate issue. Especially if we’re going to stay with the long arc of Adolescence, we have to be willing to address the problem at hand but always with an eye to the foundation that’s being laid for a future we cannot yet see.
Develop the capacity to move from either/or thinking to both/and, to see conflict as a dilemma. This shift in perspective helps us see that there is a solution, we just have to find our way to it. Where can we meet in the middle? Where is there hope? Where can we collaborate? Negotiate? Compromise? This is especially important for modeling conflict with teenagers.
Develop the capacity to welcome complexity with open arms. Childhood v. adulthood and belonging v. authenticity are complex tensions. Raising teenagers is complicated. If there is one thing that will undermine our efficacy it is to come at these situations with simplistic solutions. Complexity opens up space for creativity, collaborative problem-solving, lateral thinking, and ongoing dialogue. It builds relationship.
Finally, develop a capacity to hear and engage “the voices of identity.” Lederbach writes, “I have consistently found that most essential is hearing and engaging the struggling, sometimes lost, voices of identity within the loud static of conflictive environment. In my experience, issues of identity are at the root of most conflicts. Thus a capacity to understand and respect the role of identity is essential to understanding the epicenter of conflict.” In other words, learn how to validate.
A seed is planted in that fertile tilled up ground. Nurture it with everything in you.
NOTE: **I use the upper case “A” in Adolescence to denote the archetypal or essential transformative nature of this stage of life. Lowercase “adolescence” speaks to the more mundane biological, cognitive, social, etc changes that happen during the teen years.
Photo by: The Cheroke