Getting Our Adolescents to True Adulthood
Let me begin by making a distinction between chronological adulthood and true adulthood. The depth psychologist Bill Plotkin writes:
Getting older by itself does not cause us to mature psychologically. Adolescence is not at all confined to our teen years. And adulthood cannot be meaningfully defined as what happens in our twenties or when we fulfill certain responsibilities, such as holding down a job, financial independence, or raising a family. Rather, an adult is someone who understands why [they are] here on Earth, why [they were] born, and is offering [their] unique contribution to the more-than-human world.
Some indicators that a person is or is well on their way to becoming a true adult include:
courage to face shadow parts such as greed, hunger for power, narcissism;
makes choices for the good of others and the more-than-human world;
responds rather than reacts to situations, in other words, is responsible;
delays gratification and makes meaningful sacrifices;
has a sense that their lives are part of something much larger than themselves;
courage to follow a calling even if it means ostracism;
enlarges perspectives with more information and experience;
Is unafraid to think critically;
awareness of and responsiveness to their dysregulated emotions.
There are challenges to reaching true adulthood. For some, especially those who have experienced complex relational trauma in childhood, developing these abilities can be challenging but not impossible. And in our current culture, which Plotkin calls patho-adolescent, it’s difficult to hold to the path towards deep maturity; the temptations are many and support for the work involved is not accessible to many. But, again, it’s not impossible.
You have probably heard me say that as adolescent service providers, we are tasked with the sacred work of tending to our teenagers’ adolescing, to their becoming. As we do this, we must also tend to our own continued adolescing. It is a lifetime’s work in my experience.
Four ways we can get them there – or at least well
on their way!
Guide
When we guide our adolescents then we are more directive in our support. We teach, advise, suggest, inform, and coach them. We collaborate with them, invite them to problem-solve with us. We let them know, “I’ve been this way before, and here’s what I know about that.”
A parent is a guide when they say, “You might want to wear different shoes on your first day of work. And a nicer shirt. In my experience, employers want their employees to look more professional.”
A teacher is a guide when they say, “My advice is to give yourself lots of time to complete this assignment. My students in the past have said that they wished they’d started sooner.”
A therapist is a guide when they say, “It’s hard talking to your parents about hard subjects. Let’s explore some ways you could do that.”
I have found that this is the typical way that adults communicate with teenagers. It’s probably the least effective because it can quickly become invalidating. However, under the right circumstances and when used sparingly it is a necessary role we hold for them.
Scaffolding
Providing scaffolding is one of my most frequently recommended strategies. To scaffold, we offer temporary support. We track where they’re falling or failing, assess why, and then adjust the amount of support accordingly so they are situated to safely learn life’s tough lessons. This can be challenging for those who want to prevent adolescents from making necessary mistakes, to fail enough, or to be adequately frustrated to learn from the choices they’ve made.
Any kind of major transition will require more scaffolding: a new job or a new position or new schedule at the same job; a new school, i.e., moving from middle school to high school or high school to college; returning to school after COVID lockdown; a disruption in the family system such as separation, divorce, illness, or death.
When we see signs of the child having more successes than failures, it’s time to take down some of the scaffolding, let them know that we trust them, that they have the ability to meet the demands with less of our support. Their accountability now goes up a notch. There’s room to fail and flounder just enough that they can then integrate what skills they’ve already learned.
Ushering
The etymology of usher denotes a doorkeeper. As the adults modeling true adulthood for the young people we serve, we stand at an important threshold for them and with them. “Here,” we say, “here is where you enter.” For me, ushering is actively holding a space for the adolescent as they do their developmental and archetypal work of becoming.
Ushering is more the internal work we do as the adolescent service providers. To usher our kids into adulthood, we must continuously work on our own parts that; hold fear and worry for them; want to control them or the outcomes; prevent them from making the same mistakes we made; keep them from suffering; make sure they reflect us favorably; etc. When we usher our adolescents we measure our own responses and reactions more than we measure theirs. We hold that door open for them to adulthood with grace, courage, compassion, and trust.
Companioning
For many adults, especially those in positions of authority, this may be one of the more difficult ways to get our adolescents to adulthood. However, it can be one of the most profound and powerful ways for us, for them, and for the relationship. When we companion our kids as they adolesce, then we position ourselves as also on the journey. We know as much as they do. We lean into those places of uncertainty and discomfort—for them and for us. We do not seek to force the answers but remain open to possibilities, puzzlement, and seeking. We become Shiftless Wanderers alongside them.
In a way, we’ve stepped through the door with them, but we do so as true adults accompanying not only the adolescent beside us but also the Adolescent within. Both the internal and the external adolescent need our Self energy to get us through to true adulthood. As adolescent service providers, we are given endless opportunities to be with our Inner Adolescent parts, and the adolescents we serve are always better for this.
In conclusion
As adolescent service providers, our work is crucial to getting our young people through the doorway at the other end of their adolescence. We cannot underestimate the value of our presence in their lives–whether we are a scaffold, a guide, an usher, or a companion.
Photo by: Kerry Hargrove