Who Validates? The One Who Is Able
One of the guiding principles in the validation process and practice I work with is:
Someone must begin the validation process and that is the person who is able to do so.
What needs to be present for someone to be able to begin the validation process? And how does it all go sideways?!? What happens when there is no one in the relationship who is able to enter into a validating engagement?
One common scenario I encounter where validation is most needed and most challenging is with a parent and their teenager.
Davina and Faye
Davina is a single mom with a high conflict dynamic between her and her daughter’s father. Davina is a trauma survivor who has recently started her own therapy and was given the diagnosis of complex post-traumatic disorder. Her 16-year-old daughter Faye never quite overcame her resistance to attending school in person after the Covid-19 lockdown. Recently Faye has started lying to her mom and her teachers. She’s been caught skipping classes, and she’s been engaged in some peer drama that has gone public on social media. Often Faye is the instigator.
I met with both Faye and Davina in my office because Davina requested to join Faye’s therapy session. They had an argument at home which escalated into an ugly fight and spilled into the day of Faye’s appointment. Faye agreed to have Mom attend.
Davina starts. “I know you talk about validation and most of the time I can do it. It helps. But not this time. She doesn’t even want to be validated!” Frustration and a sad sort of helplessness saturate her words.
Faye is sullen and begins to grouse about her mom. “She never listens. She doesn’t understand, and she doesn’t want to understand!! She’s such a bitch.”
What needs to be present for validation
A validating interaction in the face of a conflict like this is complex. To be able to validate, the person must have:
The ability to be in control of emotions. In IFS language, the person who is able to validate is the one who is not totally blended with protector parts and has a critical mass of Self energy.
A more expansive perspective. The person who can validate is the one who can see more than one side of things.
The ability to listen from the heart. More than just the ears to hear, the person who validates needs to listen with an open heart to hear “the words under the words,” as the poet Naomi Shihab Nye writes.
The ability to remain open-hearted and vulnerable while also tracking personal emotional safety.
We cannot truly validate another without some measure—even just a dropper full can be enough—of vulnerability. If we have defended and defensive parts running the operation, then more than likely the interaction will continue to unravel. In my personal experience, this is true 100% of the time. It’s a delicate balance.
Why the interaction can go so wrong
In relationships where much is at stake and one or both parties have allowed themselves to be vulnerable, the hurt, broken trust, and betrayal can wound deeply and feel irreparable.
Davina can’t validate Faye, even though she knows it would be the most effective thing to do:
She’s been hurt by Faye’s abusive behavior.
Every interaction feels precarious and uncertain.
Davina is afraid of her own explosive and abusive parts and doesn’t want to let them get activated. She wants to stay in control.
Her own traumatized parts have been highly activated by the recent conflict. She doesn’t feel safe to open her heart enough to validate Faye.
Faye is in no position to validate her mom. Faye has too many barriers and challenges to be able to validate her mom. She is an adolescent, still a child under the sway and power of her mother. Faye’s chronically dysregulated nervous system doesn’t allow her to stay emotionally regulated in the face of stressors. Because Davina has been suffering for most of Faye’s life from untreated CPTSD symptoms, there is a difficult history between them. Faye has not felt safe in her relationship with her mom for a very long time. With the onset of adolescence, it’s gotten worse, as her mom seems to be especially triggered by Faye’s adolescent acting out.
What to do
I believe passionately in the power of validation, and validation can look like many different things. For example, neutrality, a détente of sorts. There is a beautiful teaching in the Sufi tradition called the Four Gates of Skillful Speech which supports validating engagements. We answer each of the following questions in the affirmative before speaking:
1st Gate: Is it true? This is the first and most important question. Am I speaking the truth?
2nd Gate: Is it necessary? If it’s true, is it helpful for me to say this? And for whom is it helpful? Me? You? Our relationship? Does it need to be said at all? Will any good come out of my speaking?
3rd Gate: Is it kind? Can I say what’s true and necessary in a way that is kind? Will it be heard this way? Remember, much of our communication happens without words. So does my body language and tone of voice also express compassion?
4th Gate: Is it the right time? If what I say is true, necessary, and kind, is now the right time to say it? Is the other person in a place to be able to hear it? Is the space between us clear enough for the words to be spoken? Or does something else need to happen before I speak?
If one or both parties can give themselves space and time for each to get the ground beneath their feet, they can step into that validating space later. Sometimes the most validating thing we can do is to let someone be in their anger, hurt, disappointment, disillusionment. Sometimes the most validating thing is just to hold space for that without trying to fix it. This can be especially true for teenagers. Holding that space with neutrality, waiting until you can say yes at each of the Four Gates, can be tremendously validating.
Other options are to call on a third party to do the dance of validation between Davina and Faye. This would be someone who could hold both sides with compassion, perspective, and clarity without having either of them feel that they’ve been ganged up on.
Because Davina is a single mom with a conflictual relationship with Faye’s dad, she couldn’t tag team it with him. But for those who have the benefit of other supportive folks, this is a good option. The other parent, another family member, a close friend, a neighbor, trusted religious leader are some possibilities.
Obviously, a therapist if one or the other person is in therapy is a great choice. In Davina and Faye’s case, I may even have suggested that Faye also attend one of Davina’s sessions. This way Faye could be assured of Davina’s therapist hearing Faye’s side of the story. Another possibility, depending on how intense and entrenched the conflict was, would be for all four of us to meet: Davina and her therapist; and Faye and myself.
The dance of validation
In my work with parents and children like Davina and Faye, I have found it to be a dance. Each must feel validated when they are in a place where neither feels heard, seen, or understood. Underneath Davina’s frustration and Faye’s sullenness lie pain, hurt, and hopelessness. A third party or time and space are the antidotes to the impasse.
I believe so wholeheartedly in the power of validation that there isn’t any impasse where a way through isn’t possible. It may take time, softening, a delicate dance between each hurting heart. But always always there is a way.
Image by: Ralph