Three Reframes for Common Complaints About Teenagers
I often tell my clients, “It’s all about perspective.” How narrow, expansive, flexible, or rigid our perspectives are will absolutely determine how we respond or react to a situation or a person. Our perspectives of young people inform all aspects of our relationships with them:
what we allow and don’t allow;
where we are flexible with rules and guidelines and where we are rigid;
how we hold boundaries with them—or don’t;
why we express affection and why we withhold it;
how much we trust them—or don’t;
and the list goes on.
Our perspectives become the stories we tell about and how we then respond to what’s happening in any given moment, who the characters are in that story, and what their motives are. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach, our perspectives are often the beliefs that our parts hold on to about the world. This isn’t a problem unless we are unaware that we are constantly viewing and reacting to the world through the lenses of particular parts, especially those parts that we call ‘protector parts’ in IFS. Often times these parts are rooted in fear.
In my experience, perspectives and narratives about teenagers and their behaviors often need to be reframed—for the sake of the kids and for the sake of our relationships and work with those kids. What stories do we tell ourselves about the adolescents we are in relationship with and how they navigate their lives?
Three fairly common descriptors I hear about teenagers are:
They are immature.
They are self centered.
They are irresponsible.
Make no mistake, these are more than descriptors. They are stories we tell about how teenagers show up in their daily lives. More damaging, however, is that they are also prescriptions. Each of these stories/descriptors will evoke reactions from the adults in their lives, most often critical and corrective reactions.
It’s important to pause for a moment when we think, feel, or say these words and ask ourselves, “What story am I telling right now? Through what lens am I seeing these kids?” Often these are our own fear-based reactions to teen’s behaviors, for example:
They’re going to remain immature forever.
They’re not going to make or keep friends if they don’t stop being so self-centered.
They’re never going to be able to keep a job of a roommate if they don’t learn how to be more responsible.
While our emotional reactions are always valid, it is imperative if we do not want these predictions manifested that we do not let our fear parts run the show. I cannot stress this enough. We must validate those parts of us that carry the burden of fear for those adolescents in our care, and then we must manage those fears. We do this by turning inward, sorting out where these fears come from, and shifting our perspectives. Criticizing the adolescents we work with and care about is going to backfire. We have to tell ourselves a different story. Shifting to a strengths-based perspective will prove far more fruitful and effective in shifting the behaviors in our teens that trouble us.
Let’s reframe these common ways of perceiving teens by understanding the essential nature of adolescence.
Teenagers are immature.
They are not immature. They are adolescents. Their maturity level is right where it’s supposed to be. They are not adults yet. They are making their way there. They’re on the learning curve, which means they’re working at it, making the attempts and often falling short. That’s not immaturity. That’s growing up. Our job is to scaffold and support them in their learning. We can trust their own unfolding, just as we trust how the rest of nature unfolds.
The reframe: Teenagers are unfolding, adolescing, becoming. They will get there!
Teenagers are self-centered.
Please, let’s stop using “self-centered” and “selfish” when talking about teenagers. Ego-centric, while it has negative connotations, is a more accurate description of what’s going on with teens, especially those of middle school age. Their emotional and somatic focus/energies are appropriately centered on ego development. They are undergoing a process that informs every aspect of their being—mind, body, spirit, emotions, cognitions, and relationships. We must not underestimate the impact of this or their vulnerability during this process.
The reframe: Teenagers are vulnerable as they explore how to belong in the world while remaining uniquely themselves.
Teenagers are irresponsible.
To be responsible means to have the ability to respond effectively and appropriately to a given circumstance. When we tell ourselves or adolescents they are irresponsible, we are telling them that that they aren’t capable of an effective and appropriate response. This simply is not true. They are capable. The question is, do they have what they need to access that capability?
Do they have the understanding, the perspective, the cognitive ability to be responsible? Have they been taught?
Have we explained the consequences of not taking responsibility?
Have we given them room to suffer the consequences or have we prevented those opportunities? Are we certain that the responsibilities we give them are age appropriate, developmentally appropriate, and appropriate for this particular individual?
Let’s be sure that we understand why they’re not accessing their ability to be responsive to a given situation.
The reframe: Teenagers are capable and responsible when their needs are being met.
Questions to assess and shift perspectives
What are my fears for the young people I work with, care about, and care for? What are the roots of those fears?
Are there parts of me that are remembering or criticizing my own adolescent behaviors?
What beliefs do I have about what it means to be an adult?
When I consider what I want for the young people in my life, what parts of me are engaged in that dreaming/considering/hoping for? Are these dreams more about me than the young person?
How can I support my Inner Adolescent as I continue to support the adolescents in my life?
Photo by: Michael