So, You Volunteered to Work with Teenagers! Yay! (And Yikes!)

Meeting a group of teens for the first time can be intimidating. Tapping into herd mentality for security, a group of two or more teenagers can promptly and emphatically turn their backs on strangers. Alongside the training you receive in the organization you are volunteering for, here are some tips to help you navigate the new terrain of teen services.

1. Move into a beginner’s mind.

I had been working with teenagers for many years when I was asked to come into our local high school as a volunteer grief counselor the morning after a horrific car accident took the lives of three young people and forever changed the life of a fourth. We reeled in this close-knit community, especially at the school. Even though I was well-versed in working with teenagers, walking into the school that day felt like I did the first time I encountered a group of teens. The kids were undone. There was no way to make this better or right or easy.

I immediately had parts that wanted to take the reins and reduce their pain. But I had to remind myself that, experienced as I was, I didn’t know these teenagers. I let them know I was there for them, and that they didn’t have to do or say anything.  

Asking the parts of us that want to be the expert, the problem solver, or the fixer, to move back and give us space allows us to be in a beginner’s mind. The goal is to show up the way they need us to show up no matter the setting or situation—simply fellow human beings meandering our way through the world. A beginner is open to the world, wanting to learn. Showing up this way will help you better observe the true needs of the kids and find the best way to serve them.

Moving into a beginner’s mind that day helped me to orient myself to where the kids were and allow them to be in the moment without being urged to change. There was no fixing to be done. 

2. Observe and read the room.

This is an important step when starting out with relationship-building. Observe the dynamics among the teenagers, between the teens and the other adults in the room, and how they react to your presence. Do they ignore you? Try to grab your attention? If so, how? Appropriately or inappropriately? Through defiance or humor?

Observe your own reactions to being with this particular group of teens. Are you anxious? Overly confident? Insecure? What are your impulses in these moments—flee? Dive in? Return the humor? How comfortable do you feel in your own skin?

 You may be accepted or tested or tested and then accepted. Don’t assume that the acceptance is there. Read the room. Understand the contexts and the environment in which you are volunteering your time.

In the situation described above, the first thing I had to do was to check how I was dealing with the tragedy. I have parts that try to fill silence with chit-chat and questions. Reading the room, I saw little space for even a few carefully crafted words. These young people didn’t need words, they needed presence. To force them to talk about their loss was the wrong way to go those first few days.

3. Let them be the experts.  

Using your beginner’s mind, let the kids show you what they need, what works for them, and what doesn’t. Listen and learn. Ask questions about the program or classroom, protocol and policies, and the environment and norms of the space you’ve stepped into. Don’t be afraid to not know, to be confused, to make mistakes. Laugh along with them when you make those mistakes. Ask the teenagers as well as the other staff members when you aren’t sure about something.

As a trauma therapist, I could have come into the school the day after the car crash and liberally spread my expertise about what to do, how to be, where to go from here, what rituals might help, how to ground, what to be aware of, yadda yadda yadda. But being with the teenagers, listening to them as the experts of their own experience in this space on this particular day, helped me know how to sit with them. My contribution would be useful and welcome in the weeks to come but not that first day.

4. Be authentic

Teenagers are experts at recognizing bullshit. They can sniff out inauthenticity like nobody’s business. So, it’s best to come in ready to be vulnerable. Strong and vulnerable. Strong in your vulnerability. Being real with adolescents is the way to their hearts. Trust me on this. 

In the weeks that followed the car accident, I continued to build relationships with these young people as they came to terms that their lives were forever changed. I often had to face the parts of me that wanted to appear in control, confident, and to be The Adult, capital “T” – capital “A”. I said to one of the young men when he was having an especially hard day, “I understand how hard this must be.” He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Do you? Do you really understand?” He wasn’t asking for confirmation. He was challenging me because he felt my insincerity, the rote nature of my statement. He wanted me to really understand, not just issue a platitude.

In fact, over the years, most of the teenagers I’ve worked with have never let an opportunity go if they see I’m being less-than-real. Teenagers don’t want us to act confident; they want us to be confident. They don’t want us to act like we’re comfortable but to be comfortable. And they don’t want us acting like we’re comfortable or confident if we’re not. They want real. They want wholeheartedness alongside our vulnerability, as Brené Brown so eloquently has encouraged us.

5. Finally, have fun.

Even in the face of such a tragedy, there were times we laughed. Companioning those adolescents as they walked through their grief remains some of my most memorable work. Fun isn’t quite the right word when there is a crisis. But being with adolescents is always an invitation to experience life’s highs and lows with nothing held back. It’s an invitation to fully enter into sadness, joy, despair, and ecstasy. As a volunteer, the gift of your time, energy, and presence will be returned to you a hundredfold. Enjoy.

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