Entitlement or Adolescence? Why We Need to Stop Confusing the Two

July 8th, 2026 One of the most frequent complaints and concerns I hear from parents, teachers, and those involved in raising up teenagers is that their child is going to grow up to be one of those adults who thinks the world owes them something. As I'm writing this, I'm out walking through my little town—a town I genuinely love. And yet every day I watch adults, and teenagers I’m sure, fly through neighborhood streets in oversized trucks or loud little sports cars as though they're the only people using the road. Just a few moments ago, I attempted to cross a street and here comes a big-ass white truck barreling toward the crosswalk going far over the 30mph speed limit. 

I get the frustration. I get the fear. Because entitlement doesn't just annoy us. It has consequences.

What does it mean to be entitled & why does it bother us so?

What does it mean to be or act entitled? The word entitled means to bestow possession of privilege on someone. Generally someone of rank. Not necessarily deserving of the title unless they worked themselves up to a rank where they are bestowed a title, such as king, supreme, commander, pharaoh. I hope you can hear the irony in my voice here. Our children are not pharaohs or supreme commanders, but they sure do act like they are sometimes. It’s cute when they’re toddlers, not so cute when they’re teens. 

It's worth asking why entitlement stirs up such a strong emotional reaction. Part of it is the lack of accountability. It's one thing to behave selfishly, then recognize that you've hurt someone, take responsibility for that, and make amends. It's another thing entirely to leave destruction behind and never acknowledge it.

When we describe someone as entitled, we usually aren't just describing selfish behavior. We're describing someone who lacks awareness of how their actions affect others, refuses accountability, and feels no obligation to repair the damage they've caused. That tears at the social fabric. It feels intolerable. And of course we don't want our children growing into adults who leave that kind of wake behind them.

The fear is valid. There absolutely are young people who fit that description. But in my experience as a therapist, they're the exception—not the rule. Most teenagers are not displaying pathological entitlement. They're displaying normal adolescence.

The egocentricity of adolescence

A significant developmental task of adolescence is to naturally become intensely focused on the self. The teenage brain is trying to answer enormous questions: Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I believe? What matters to me? Am I enough? That internal work naturally creates a kind of egocentricity. It's not necessarily that teenagers believe the world should revolve around them. It's more that they experience life as though they're the only person who really matters because they're so consumed with figuring themselves out. From the outside, those two things can look remarkably similar. But they are not the same.

One is a developmental stage. The other is a characterological pattern that persists into adulthood. If we confuse the two, we risk responding to normal development as though it's pathology. This never goes well. 

What happens when adolescence doesn't finish?

One of my deepest concerns isn't that teenagers are becoming entitled—it’s that we have a patho-adolescent culture. We see adults—people in positions of tremendous power and responsibility—behaving as though the world exists for their gratification. These are adults who developmentally are still operating with many adolescent traits, traits normal for teenagers but pathological for those who are of adult age. 

Here in the United States in the late 2020s, we regularly witness elected officials, corporate leaders, and people with immense influence acting as though democracy, the Constitution, their constituents, and even the rule of law are merely obstacles to their personal desires. That is entitlement. Not because they have power, but because they exercise power without humility, accountability, or service.

Originally, privilege was something earned through responsibility and sacrifice. Today, we too often confuse wealth, status, or authority with permission to do whatever we please, that we are entitled through these attainments. Our teenagers are watching. Whether we like it or not, adults are modeling what power looks like, how wealth and status corrupt. And young people learn far more from what we embody than from what we preach. Those of us who impact the lives of teenagers have an enormous responsibility in this arena. 

What Prevents Teenagers from Growing Through This Stage?

Here's where things become important. Healthy adolescent egocentricity is supposed to be temporary. Given good conditions, teenagers naturally grow beyond it. So what gets in the way?

The biggest obstacle, in my opinion, is invalidation. Invalidation is a petri dish for shame. And shame makes accountability almost impossible.

I've written here and here that kids who are drowning in shame cannot genuinely take responsibility. Shame says, I am bad. Accountability says, I did something that caused harm. Those are very different experiences. When a teenager feels fundamentally defective, admitting mistakes becomes terrifying. Every correction feels like confirmation that they're worthless. Ironically, invalidation often creates the very behaviors we're trying to prevent.

Another obstacle is modeling. If the adults surrounding a young person behave with entitlement, why would we expect the adolescent to develop differently? Parents. Teachers. Coaches. Religious leaders. Politicians. Those of us with authority over young people sometimes act as though authority itself grants us special privileges. It doesn't. Authority is a responsibility, not a license.

Young people learn respect by being respected. They learn compassion because someone first had compassion for them. They learn forgiveness because they've been forgiven. They learn how to apologize when they hear us say, "I was wrong." They learn humility by watching adults practice humility. They learn service by experiencing adults who are genuinely committed to helping them grow. 

What Helps Adolescents Grow Beyond Egocentricity?

If we want teenagers to move through this normal season without carrying entitlement into adulthood, our job isn't to crush their egocentricity. It's to shepherd them through it. That means validating their internal experience without validating every behavior. These are not the same things. Validation says, "I understand why you feel what you feel." It does not say, "Everything you did was okay."

Compassionate curiosity helps us wonder what need or fear is underneath the behavior instead of immediately judging it. Often what looks like arrogance is covering insecurity. What looks like selfishness is fear. What looks like defiance is a young person desperately trying to discover who they are.

Our role is not simply to correct behavior. Our role is to help them build awareness. As awareness grows, empathy and compassion grow. As empathy and compassion grow, accountability becomes possible. And accountability—not shame—is what transforms character.

We also need to allow teenagers to experience natural consequences. Shielding them from every discomfort doesn't prepare them for adulthood. Neither does punishing them into submission. Instead, we walk beside them while they experience the results of their choices, helping them reflect, repair, and try again. That's how wisdom develops—not through lectures, but through lived experience accompanied by compassionate adults.

Maybe we need a better word

Perhaps we should stop calling every adolescent moment of self-centeredness entitlement. It's an emotionally loaded word. It suggests permanence. It implies moral failure. More often than not, what we're witnessing is simply the normal egocentricity of adolescence. That's a mouthful, I know. But it's also far more accurate.

When we change the way we understand and perceive teenagers, we naturally change the way we respond to them. Instead of assuming they should already know how to be adults, we remember that they are still becoming adults. Instead of asking, "What is wrong with them?" we begin asking, "What developmental task are they trying to accomplish?" Instead of seeing defiance, we begin seeing growth that needs guidance.

And perhaps most importantly, we remember what the word discipline actually means. Its root meaning isn't punishment. It's teaching. Our task is not to shame teenagers out of adolescence. Our task is to teach them through it—with validation, compassionate curiosity, courage, and love. Because when adolescents are wisely accompanied through this season, they don't become entitled adults. They become compassionate, accountable human beings who understand that while the world doesn't revolve around them, they have an important place within it.

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